


ill-fated

by sagexx



Series: what do the stars know? [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Extended Metaphors, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Hate to Love, M/M, Minor Violence, Pining, Roommates, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smoking, Swearing, What Have I Done, badboy!jaebum bc i live for that, coco and nora are cute, eventual 2jae worry not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 22:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 35,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7863319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagexx/pseuds/sagexx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To Jaebum, Youngjae was nothing more than a dose of bad luck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

The November air was chilling. The wind nipped at Jaebum’s cheeks, even when he burrowed into his scarf. He wondered why he thought it was a good idea to wear a leather jacket. Clearly, he hadn’t been thinking when he grabbed the first thing he saw hung up on the rack. Not like it mattered now, he supposed- he could spot the lights of his dorm building through the pressing dark.

He strode down the path from the library, his book bag slung over his tired back. Even this late at night, his steps were wide and sharp- sharper, even, when his combat boots came across a pile of unsuspecting leaves. A sudden mewl stopped him in his tracks. He searched the darkness for the possible cause of the noise- and there, he spotted a furry shape brush past the shadows of a nearby streetlight. He was surprised to hear another mewl, closer this time, accompanied by glowing eyes. The cat sat across from him, licking its paw as it stared at Jaebum curiously. 

Jaebum crouched down, reaching out with one arm. It wandered closer, pushing its nose into his hand, and it was only then Jaebum noticed how unnaturally thin it was, how scraggly it looked with the scars spread across its fur. A sense of protectiveness settled over him. A stray. With a sudden pang of spontaneity, Jaebum scooped the cat up and cradled it in his arms. It meowed in surprise, pawing at his scarf.

“You don’t have an owner, do you?” Jaebum kept his tone soothing, sliding his hand over the cat’s head repeatedly to calm it down, and he slipped his hand down to its neck to check if it had a collar. He felt only fur under the pads of his fingers. The cat purred, nuzzling his head against Jaebum’s jacket, biting at the silver zipper. He smiled affectionately. 

“What if I was your owner?” He scratched behind its ear, watching as the cat pushed its head into his hand. He briefly considered letting the cat go, but although bony, it was a comfortable weight in his arms. A swell of affection rose in his chest. He was sure his roommate wouldn’t mind a pet. He’d take care of it all on his own. He’d feed it and love it and watch its scars fade- Jaebum already decided on a name for her, anyway. 

“C’mon then, let’s go home, Nora.”

~~~ 

After he locked the door behind him, he let Nora down to explore. She jumped out of his arms rather elegantly for a stray, he noticed, watching her circle the living room table cautiously. Jaebum slipped out of his combat boots and padded towards the kitchen. He opened the fridge to find it mostly empty, to his disappointment. He’d have to make do with the ramen in the cupboards. He was tempted to let himself pass out on the couch without food, but the rumbling in his stomach encouraged him to do otherwise. Just as he sat down with his steaming hot bowl of ramen, an ear-splitting scream echoed around the dorm. His mind immediately jumped to the only other occupant of the dorms.

“Jackson…?” He called out, jumping to his feet to check on the accident-prone boy. He rushed out of the kitchen, and upon noticing Nora wasn’t in the living room anymore, cursed under his breath. Of course. Of fucking course. He pulled the door open to find a red-eyed Jackson, holding a thrashing Nora by the scruff of her neck. His eyes slid between each of Jackson’s tearful eyes. Jaebum hoped he hadn’t been crying. He didn’t know how to deal with tears.

“Oh. I see you’ve met Nora?” He couldn’t accomplish anything more than a sheepish smile under Jackson’s red gaze. 

“Ah-ah-choo!” Jackson sneezed loudly, dropping the cat, who shot out the door with a hiss. Both realization and dread settled onto Jaebum’s shoulders. Jackson hadn’t been crying, had he?

“Jaebum, why the hell did you let that thing in? I’m allergic.” Copious amounts of exasperation dripped from his words, and Jaebum felt guilt stir in his chest. Maybe he should have called. But Nora had been so cute and her eyes had practically begged for his attention, he just couldn’t resist bringing her back home with him.

“I didn’t know,” Jaebum muttered defensively, turning away to shut Jackson’s door.

“You should have asked before bringing that stray home,” Jackson sounded less accusing now, now that Nora was out of sight. Jaebum turned back with a sigh, running a hand through his unstyled hair.

“I know, I know, but can’t you take pills or something?” Jaebum suggested. Maybe it was a bit much too much to ask for, and he knew that, but wouldn’t it benefit him in the long run?

“I don’t have any, considering I thought I lived in a cat-free space,” Jackson gestured to his room, eyebrows adorably furrowed. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” he stepped forward, cupping Jackson’s cheeks and kissing him on the forehead, “but Nora looked miserable out there.” Another kiss. “Do you think you’ll be okay with her here tonight?” Jackson’s eyes fluttered close, letting his frustration wash away. He curled a hand around Jaebum’s forearm, keeping his hand rooted in place. 

“No, she shed everywhere,” Jackson sighed, kissing the palm of Jaebum’s hand. 

“I’ll just sleep over at Mark’s, okay? We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

“Do you need me to walk you? It’s dark out,” Jaebum frowned.

“It’s just a three minute walk, I’ll be fine,” Jackson pressed a chaste kiss onto his lips for assurance. Even though the touch was minimal, Jaebum still found himself leaning into it. There was something about him that was so magnetic, even with puffy eyes and blotchy red cheeks. Was there anyone as beautiful as Jackson?

“Okay,” he breathed out. “Okay. Be safe. Text me when you get there.” He let himself drop onto Jackson’s bed, watching him pull a hoodie over his tank top.

“I will, don’t worry!” were Jackson’s last words before he swept out of the room, phone in hand. Jaebum heard the front door slam shut and settled down with an uneasy sigh.

~~~

The clock blinked 1AM, but the phone resting on Jaebum’s chest still hadn’t vibrated. He should’ve been asleep by this time, but worry kept his eyes wide open. He knew he shouldn’t care too much. For all he knew, Jackson was already comfortably asleep on Mark’s pull-out couch. Reassuring as the thought was, it didn’t stop him from turning his phone on again. The sudden bright light burned his eyes. He blinked erratically, pulling up his messages with Jackson.

_hey did u get to marks safe_

The message was left unread. Jaebum pressed his lips into a thin line. Maybe his phone was on silent. He swiped away from Jackson’s contact, clicking on Mark’s name. He’d sent him a message about an hour after Jackson left, knowing well that Mark was the more responsible out of the two. 

_is jackson with you_

Mark hadn’t replied, but with a sudden jolt in his chest, he noticed it had been read. Mark never talked much, but wouldn’t he text back if he were concerned? Jaebum decided to take this as a good sign. He slid his phone onto his bed-side table, turning onto his side, away from Nora, who was comfortably curled up on his other pillow. He’d get her a bed when she could stay. _If she could stay._

Jaebum already knew that more likely than not, she’d have to be kicked out. He spent most of the night thinking of solutions and yet, his mind always came back around to that conclusion. He wouldn’t be surprised if that scenario arose. It would just be his rotten luck, he supposed. He was too tired to do anything but accept it. Hours of debating with himself and worrying over Jackson finally took its toll, settling heavily onto his shoulders. Jaebum nuzzled his face deeper into his pillow. Waves of darkness gently lapped over his vision, each darker than the last, until he was in a deep, much needed sleep.

~~~

He awoke to a familiar yell. 

“Jaebum! Bummie!” 

There was only one person who wasn’t afraid of calling him that ridiculous nickname. Jerking upright with a groan, the first thing he did was attempt to read the time through bleary eyes. 11am, shit. He’d slept through his alarm. Reverting his attention back to the yells outside his room, he stumbled off of his bed and slipped a random shirt on. Nora curiously jumped down to follow him.

“No,” he sternly told her, slipping out the door and shutting it before she could run out. Barefoot, he padded down the hall. Relief sunk into his skin when he spotted Jackson hovering around the open front door. 

“There you are! I was beginning to think you actually left to go somewhere for once,” Jackson grinned brightly. Jaebum was about to snap out and ask why he hadn’t just entered the dorm, but then he remembered last night and his large reaction to the rather small cat. 

“Ah, did I just wake you up? Don’t tell me you’ve been skipping classes again-“

“You didn’t text me back,” Jaebum stated gruffly. He watched Jackson’s smile slip away, the warmth of his eyes masked with a guilty glint. 

“Oops? My phone died.” Recognizing the unimpressed look Jaebum gave him, he sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck. After a moment of hesitation, he added a gentle, “I’m sorry I worried you.”

Jaebum crossed his arms, doing his best to stare down at his apologetic roommate with narrow eyes, but the corner of his lip twitched upwards. 

“S’alright, I’m just glad you’re okay,” Jaebum’s voice softened, uncrossing his arms to wrap them around Jackson instead. He rested his chin on top of his blonde head, waiting for Jackson to melt into him like he usually did- but it never happened.

“So, are you guys like boyfriends or something?” A voice he didn’t recognize floated from the hallway, and in stepped a younger looking boy with fluffy hair and an even fluffier looking dog. 

They jumped apart. 

“No!” Jackson exclaimed at the same time Jaebum demanded, “Who the hell are you?”

Jaebum felt his stomach sink at Jackson’s shout, but ignored it, narrowing his eyes at the newcomer. He ran his hand through his hair, suddenly extremely conscious of his bed-head. He doubted the younger boy noticed, because his eyes were trained on Jaebum’s, ignoring the white dog scratching at his arms in an attempt to escape. Jackson cleared his throat from beside them.

“Jaebum, that’s…that’s your new roommate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo, this is my first multi-chapter fic on this site and boy, do i have things planned! this was sort of a build up chapter, but i'll be jumping into the good stuff, which should be up soon!
> 
> this is a story i'm actually really looking forward to writing! i hope you guys are just as excited to read it as well :3


	2. 2

“I know this might be a bit sudden, but hello, I’m Youngjae!” His voice was bright and bubbly, it spilled over his lips and Jaebum felt like he was drowning. He had to take a deep breath to make sure he wasn’t. 

“That’s nice,” Jaebum spoke bitterly. “Excuse me for a moment, I have to speak with Jackson.” 

He didn’t wait for a reply before yanking Jackson into the dorms, who yelped in surprise. Slamming the door shut, he let go of Jackson’s arm, twirling around to face him with crossed arms. His stance screamed with anger, but he wasn’t angry. He was confused and shaken and he found the boy outside his door to be like an earthquake- sudden, loud and destructive.

"What the fuck, Jackson? You said we were going to talk first," he whisper-yelled in exasperation. 

"I'm sorry!" He apologized, eyes wide and sincere. He'd been saying that a lot lately, Jaebum noticed, and he didn’t know whether or not the word meant anything to him anymore. Jackson entwined their fingers together in an attempt to calm him, but Jaebum didn’t feel particularly calm. 

"It works out perfectly this way. You get your cat, I get to live...even Youngjae is happier this way, he says his morning classes are closer to this building.”

But that wasn’t what Jaebum had been worried about. 

“What about,” Jaebum paused, staring down at their hands, “what about us?” He asked, quietly, afraid that the even the softest mentions of them would cause their relationship to crumble and fall. He knew he wouldn’t be able to repair it if it did. He could see it now, the rickety, unstable foundations splitting and failing and crashing down in a large cloud of dust. Jackson would run and Jaebum would still be there afterwards, kneeling in the ruins and watching the sands of their past sift through his fingers. Jackson looked at his lap.  
“Nothing is going to change,” he promised, but the rasp in his voice reminded Jaebum of the way the earth shook and the rumble of fissures that spread across it. 

“Are you sure?” He grasped Jackson by the chin and gently tilted his head up, looking deeply into his eyes.

“I’m sure.” His voice was sturdy and final this time. Jaebum studied his serious expression and pressed their lips together.

~~~

Jaebum's mind swam. Out of all the possibilities he thought of last night, this hadn't been one of them. The cold wasn’t as bad in the day, he thought, but combined with the heat inside his jacket and the heavy cardboard box in his arms, it was unbearable. He sucked in a cold breath and promised himself that if he made it to his dorm without dropping the box, he’d have a nice long shower afterwards. 

That didn’t go exactly as planned.

He cursed loudly as the box slipped past his fingers and crashed onto his foot. His fingers twitched in irritation. Beside him, Youngjae burst into laughter. It was an obnoxious sound, consisting of loud, wheezing inhales and if Jaebum hadn’t been stuck with the boy for the last three hours, he would have mistaken it for an extreme case of the hiccups. 

“You’re so weak,” he teased, tightening his hold on his lightweight sketchbook. Jaebum eyed it warily.

“Says the one carrying a damn book,” he mumbled, more out of spite than anything, but Youngjae mistook it as good humour and grinned. Jaebum gripped the box and rose up once more, arm muscles straining. Only the promise that this was the last trip he’d have to take kept him composed. 

“Here, let me help,” Youngjae offered, and before he could even open his mouth, his arms circled around the other end of the box. Protest itched at his throat, but the pale sunlight illuminating Youngjae’s kind smile had him at a loss for words. 

~~~

The first thing he’d thought of when he unlocked the door was Jackson. When he swung the door open, he’d never been so disappointed. 

“Oh, hey!” Youngjae looked up from his phone and waved. Jaebum let out a grunt of acknowledgement, dropping the multitude of shopping bags he was carrying onto the floor with a thump. Nora, who was resting by Youngjae’s feet, ambled over and stuck her paw in one of the bags, sniffing curiously. Jaebum scratched her behind the ear with a small smile.

“Is that all for Nora?” Youngjae piped up again, and Jaebum found himself considering different ways to say ‘fuck off’ without using explicit swear words. The last thing he wanted was to engage in conversation with his peppy roommate, especially not now. He had things to do and he was far too tired to do them.

“Yes. She’s new.” Jaebum shrugged off his jacket, hanging it up on the hook outside the door. He softly nudged Nora away from the bags, picking up the heaviest one and trudging to the kitchen. 

“Well let me know if you need any help with her! I have some experience because of Coco-“

“I won’t need any, thanks,” he interrupted. The last thing he needed was to be told how to take care of his own damn cat. Youngjae seemed to get the hint, mild disappointment flashing across his face before looking back down at his phone. The tiny island kitchen, unfortunately, didn’t offer much privacy. He did his best to ignore Youngjae’s occasional glances, turning away from him to rip the food and water bowls out of their packaging. Nora mewled from beneath him, looking up and circling around his feet. 

Jaebum felt a pang of pity. He didn’t know how long Nora had went without food, but he vowed that she wouldn’t have to worry about anything like that anymore, not if she was with him. When he poured the cat food into the bowl, he didn’t miss the unmistakably hungry way she leapt towards her meal. Jaebum crouched down and stroked her neck with a reassuring hum.

“You’re in better hands now, yeah?” He gave her one final pet and as he pulled his hand away, he noticed a grimy grey tint to her. God, Nora needed a bath. And he was the one who’d need to bathe her, he realized with a quiet groan. On any other day, he would be ~~only moderately irked~~ happy to do so, but his arms still ached from a combination of helping move Youngjae’s boxes and carrying cat stuff home for Nora. However, he doubted her fur could wait, so he grit his teeth and began to collect materials. 

~~~

Youngjae had thankfully retired back to his room for the time-being, meaning that no one would get to witness the amateurish bath that was undoubtedly about to take place. It shouldn’t be too hard, he reasoned. Didn’t he have a cat when he a child? If he could do it then, as a clumsy five year old, he could do it now for sure. He clicked his tongue and heard the instant pitter-patter of paws on the hard wood floors. Nora cautiously entered the bathroom, squeezing through the small gap in the doorway, and Jaebum scooped her into his arms.

“Don’t whine, okay? It’ll be easier for the both of us,” he murmured, slowly lowering her into the tub, filled with lukewarm water. Nora let out a panicked mewl, but Jaebum kept her still.

“It’s alright, Nora, a little water won’t hurt you, okay?”

Only her hind paws were dipped into the water before she began to mewl again, this time, struggling to escape his grip. He shushed her, hugging her closer with one arm as he reached for the cat shampoo with the other.

“Fuck,” he gasped out as she scratched his arm, the sudden shooting pain causing his grip to weaken. Almost like Nora was a liquid herself, she squirmed out of his hands and landed right into tub with a large splash. The water soaked Jaebum from the mid-riff down, and Nora bristled, hissing loudly before jumping out of the tub and high-tailing it to the door.

“Nora, no!” He yelled out, dropping the open bottle and running after her.

The door to Jackson’s old room opened, and Youngjae stepped out with concerned features, which quickly contorted into those of surprise as a ball of white ran past his feet. Coco, tongue wagging happily, bounded into the bathroom, knocking the bottle of shampoo over and jumping at Jaebum’s legs.

“Coco, come back!” He followed, and Jaebum could only watch in horror as Youngjae slipped on the soapy floors, falling forwards in what could only be slow motion. Panicked eyes met his, and Youngjae’s hands landed on his chest, pushing, and Jaebum felt his own balance slip. They landed in the tub with a defeaning splash. Coco jumped in as well, barking happily, like he thought it was some kind of a game, and promptly hopped out, escaping out the door. He’d be astonished if the bathroom weren’t flooded by now. 

“Fuck, fuck, Youngjae, get off-“and he was swimming in Youngjae’s loud laughter, magnified a million times in the acoustics of the bathroom. Even when Jaebum pushed him off, clumsily climbing over the edge of the tub, it rung in his ears. The floor was slippery with wet paw prints, courtesy of Coco, who chased a frightened Nora around the couch. He lunged forward to catch her, but she was too fast and shot through his legs. Coco skittered after her, and Jaebum lost his balance for the second time, slipping backwards on the wet floor and landing on his ass with a groan. Youngjae doubled over with laughter. Pain washed over his tailbone, and god, Jaebum wanted to scream with frustration- but he found himself chuckling alongside Youngjae instead.

When Jaebum said he wanted a shower, this wasn’t what he meant.  


~~~

It had taken about two hours to clean Nora, Coco and the dorm, and by the time they were finished, the sky had already settled into an endless pitch black. He slumped against the black leather couch, heavy eyes focused on the flickering screen in front of him, and the quiet buzz of the television filled the room. Youngjae sat at the opposite end of the couch, but he was still close enough to see out of the corner of his eye. A comfortable silence hung in the air between them. In the corner, Coco and Nora shared a blanket, curled up beside each other in her new cat bed.

Jaebum was in a daze. The day’s events were memorable, but they happened far too quickly to stay concise. He should still be sitting beside Jackson, perhaps surrounded by unmoved boxes and kissing sweetly for the last time, and when they’d break apart, his lively chatter would be louder than the television. Not even the quiet, thin walls of the dorms could contain him. 

Jaebum stood. The silence was getting heavier, seeping into his pores and weighing on his eyelids, and he couldn’t resist the urge to yawn. 

“Good night,” he said, and padded to his room. It came from the exhausted place from his mind, and when Youngjae stayed silent, he knew should have disappeared without a word. He could have, but he didn’t. Just as he stopped at the door, where the dancing lights from the television reached their boundary, he heard a tired voice call out. 

“Good night, Jaebum.”

He let his hand rest on the doorknob, wondering if he should say something back. Like maybe ‘make sure not to stay up too late’ because the damn freshmen always make those kinds of mistakes, but why should he care? Jaebum stepped into his room and closed the door behind him, collapsing onto his soft bed. His tired limbs curled around a pillow. From here, he could still hear the faint sounds of the television, but if he closed his eyes he could let himself imagine that it was Jackson, talking to someone on the phone. But Jackson wasn’t there. His absence sent pangs of nostalgia through him, and for a second he considered that maybe it wasn’t Youngjae who caused the earth’s tremors, maybe it had been Jackson all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to google how to bathe a cat for this chapter  
> also, it physically pained me to describe youngjae's laugh as annoying, he's such a sweet cinnamon roll hnng ;-; 
> 
> thank you for all the kudos and kind comments! they really helped motivate me to write quicker, and that's a lot considering i'm a huge procrastinator, so thank you <3 i hope you guys enjoy the fluffiness of this chapter! no really, savor it, because it's all going downhill from here *evil laughter*


	3. 3

Even when he pulled his pillow over his ears, he could still hear the annoying chatter coming from the living room. The voice, unmistakeably Youngjae’s, faded in and out, dropping in volume and rising again, and Jaebum wanted to scream into his pillow. Didn’t Youngjae know these walls were thin?

“…fell on his ass…cat…”

A laugh accompanied him- one he didn’t recognize. Something akin to betrayal prickled at skin. He’d never have pinned Youngjae as a gossiper, but then again, he should have known. His mouth was far too big to not be. Jaebum rolled over, buried further into his covers and squeezed his eyes shut. Youngjae was far too loud in the morning, and his friend had an annoying laugh, but he might’ve been a bit biased. Maybe if Jaebum fell asleep again he wouldn’t have to hear it anymore, except the light in the room was too bright and he knew the voices would seep under the door anyways, so he rolled over and snatched his phone off of the bedside table. One unread message. He grumbled in disappointment when he read the name of the sender. It wasn’t from who he hoped it’d be.

_jinyoung: if you come to class today I’ll give you the notes from yesterday_

And for once in his life, he saw Jinyoung as a ray of hope.

_me: absolutely_

~~~

Class was in approximately thirty minutes, but Jaebum didn’t feel the urge to hurry. He preferred to stay under the shower, finding the constant stream of warm water did a good job of tuning the entire world out. Not that he needed so much, if the effect extended all the way up to the front door he’d be satisfied. 

Another laugh. With a scowl, he turned the knob and the thundering warmth cascading around him disappeared. He stepped out into the significantly colder bathroom, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his bottom half, then turned to the mirror. This was probably the first time he’d be seeing Jackson ever since he moved out. Jaebum pulled out the hair gel. 

~~~  
When he finally left the bathroom, class had started about five minutes ago. Jaebum didn’t mind. Perhaps he should have, but no matter how hard he tried to muster up the effort to care, he felt, deep down in his very soul, that he just did not give a fuck. He drummed his fingers impatiently on the kitchen counter. There were a lot of things that he didn’t give two shits about, but the amount of time he had to wait around for a cup of coffee was not one of them, and neither were the stares drilling into the back of his neck. He turned around. He was used to stares, but the fact that it was in his own dorm was unsettling. 

“Don’t you have classes to go to?” He glowered at the round faced freshman gawking at the row of silver piercings in his ear, leaning back against the counter on his elbows. 

“No, what about you?” Youngjae replied, nudging his friend with a grin. “Got a hot date or something?”

“Why, jealous?” He asked with a quirked brow, shooting him a sharp smirk and running his tongue along his canine teeth. Youngjae’s eyes followed. 

“No,” he spoke carefully, glancing at his friend, who in turn, glanced at Jaebum. Jaebum pursed his lips, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He didn’t touch the sugar; he liked it like that, so unsweetened it rivaled the bitterness of his current reality. They stared too much. Jaebum knew the second he left, their conversation would turn to the topic of him, but even with that knowledge he itched to leave. So he downed his coffee as quickly as he could, enduring the heat in his throat, and grabbed the set of keys lying on the counter. Jaebum grabbed the pen beside it too, sticking it into his pocket for later.

“If you leave, don’t forget to lock the door behind you,” he shrugged on his leather jacket. He’d have to switch to a warmer jacket soon, but by soon he meant he’d endure the cold until it started to snow. The jacket was almost like a second skin to him. He’d never be able to find another jacket like it, nothing that suited the shape of his shoulders like this one. 

“We’re not stupid,” called out Youngjae’s friend. Jaebum wasn’t sure why he was still here. 

“Course you are, you’re freshmen,” he chuckled, patting his pockets to make sure he had everything- oh. His books. Right, he needed those. He briefly remembered leaving them on the table, but when he turned his head to check, they were missing. He glanced around the room subtly. 

“We might be freshmen, but that doesn’t mean we’re inexperienced,” his friend winked, plush lips stretching into a dirty smile. Youngjae barked out a laugh, smacking the other’s shoulder, who dramatically fell back onto the couch. 

“Sure,” Jaebum drawled sarcastically. He looked younger than he probably was, with a tuft of purple hair resting atop his head and round, foreign features that Jaebum knew he wouldn’t recognize the second he stepped out of his dorm. Youngjae, on the other hand, had the sort of face that stuck in your memory even when you looked away. But don’t get him wrong; it wasn’t a compliment, he was just stating facts. 

“Where are you going?” Youngjae piped up curiously. 

“Out.” Jaebum didn’t see why he cared so much to bring it up a second time. They weren’t close. Just because they shared the same living space didn’t mean they couldn’t go on living their separate lives.

“With Jackson?” Youngjae wiggled his eyebrows, a teasing glint in his eyes. “Or did he not text you yet?” 

Ouch. That simple jab cut far too deep.

“I’m leaving now,” his words went from easygoing to clear-cutting, having a sort of edge to them that only the motion of a gate slamming shut could mimic. The slight good mood he’d been in dissolved with an imaginary _clang_. What a waste of perfectly good coffee.

~~~

“Late again,” the professor looked disappointed when Jaebum came striding in twenty minutes after the lesson started, but not at all surprised. He gave a half-hearted apologetic grin, moving towards the back wordlessly. He stopped in front of the occupied desk beside Jackson.

“Beat it, kid,” he jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and it only took a few moments for the student to recognize the attitude in his face before he grabbed his bag and scrambled. Jaebum slid into his place, stretching his feet out before him. 

“Hey. Thought you’d keep my seat empty,” he spoke in hushed tone. Jackson looked over, fiddling with his beaded bracelet. Jaebum knew what to expect: eyes twinkling with appreciation and a witty comment to mask them, but it never came. 

“Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were coming,” he whispered, and returned his attention to the professor. Jaebum frowned. His eyes were quiet in a way he’d always promised they’d be in settings like these, but they hadn’t been quiet for so long and now Jackson hadn’t even given him a second glance. He silently looked to the front, a sinking feeling in his chest. He’d only been able to take about five seconds of the teacher’s boring lecturing before he turned to Jackson again.

“Hey, are you tired? Slept okay?” That had to be it. The move took a toll on him, and he’d been up all night carrying things and putting things in the places he wanted them to be, then promptly passed out and woke up early to get ready for class. No one in that situation would even think about their phone, he assured himself.

“I’m fine,” Jackson replied, and that was the millionth time that day disappointment weighed on his heart. 

“How about you? Did you eat breakfast?”

“No, but I never do. You know that,” and he couldn’t help the hopeful smile stretching across his face, or the way his heart skipped a beat when Jackson mirrored it. “But maybe we can have lunch tomorrow?” 

Jackson’s smile flickered, and Jaebum watched carefully. He recognized the way his eyebrows creased, the way he began to trace shapes on the desk with his fingernail, but no warning signs rang in his head, not yet. Patience was a virtue he seldom possessed, but Jackson was always an exception. 

“Yeah,” he slowly nodded, and then his wide smile returned. “I’d like that.” 

Jaebum let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

~~~

“Here,” a piece of torn notebook paper was slid over to him across the painted red picnic table, and Jaebum looked at it distrustfully. 

“That’s all?”

“Yes, you ungrateful shithead,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Would you rather have more work?”

“I guess not. “ Jaebum gave a defeated sigh, tucking the paper underneath his jacket before the late autumn wind blew it away. “Are today’s notes in there too?”

“What? No, weren’t you here for those?” Before Jaebum could even open his mouth, Jinyoung’s eyes sparked with deviousness and a matching smile followed seconds after. “Or were you busy with your new roommate?” 

Jaebum gave yet another sigh (something he found he had to do a lot around his friend) and looked up at the clear grey sky, wondering what he did in his past life to end up in a hellish moment like this. 

“You know I have a thing with Jackson.”

“He’s your fuckbuddy,” Jinyoung stated matter-of-factly. 

“We’re not fuckbuddies, we’re just friends,” he defended, but even he could see the cracks in his comeback.

“With benefits,” he shot back, and Jaebum felt the strong urge to protest. 

“It’s not just that!” It was a lot more. The multiple kisses and the mornings they spent together came to mind, but he struggled to find the right words to describe them. He looked down at his hands, exasperated. Jinyoung just didn’t know, he didn’t _understand_ , and Jaebum wasn’t sure what to tell him anymore. So he just didn’t. “Besides, Youngjae is really annoying.”

“What? No way, he’s a cool guy. I’ve met him before. What’d he do? Like, breathe in your general vicinity?”

“Hey, I’m not you,” Jaebum grumbled.

“Or are you just sour because you aren’t living with your beloved anymore?” Jinyoung made quotation marks in the air with his fingers at ‘beloved’, and although the playfulness was evident in his voice, so was the smugness. He knew he hit the nail on the head. Jaebum gritted his teeth.

“No, I can handle that,” he crossed his arms, unamused. “It’s just that Youngjae is really frustrating. He laughs about everything, and it’s so _loud_ , Jinyoung. It’s like no matter where I am in the dorm he’s laughing right into my ear.” 

“Oh no, how will you live?” Jinyoung put a hand over his chest in mock sympathy. “Jackson’s loud too.”

“Yeah, but,” he had trouble finding the right words, in his mind they were stilted and jagged and he takes a deep breath instead. “It’s different.”

“Listen, I think you’re being a bit harsh on him. Give him a chance, all right?” Sometimes Jaebum hated how logical Jinyoung was. 

A loud cough from behind Jaebum attracted their attention. They both jerked their heads up to see a tall, broad-shouldered guy, and Jinyoung smiled in recognition.

“Oh, hey!”

“Hey,” the guy spoke with a higher pitch than Jaebum expected. “You haven’t cancelled or anything, have you?” His eyes flickered to Jaebum’s harsh ones uneasily. Jaebum swore he’d never seen him before in his life. He shot Jinyoung a questioning look. 

“Of course not. I’ll meet you at the library in a few minutes, alright? Just gotta finish up here.”

He nodded with an awkward smile, adjusting the straps on his backpack as he marched away. Jaebum raised an eyebrow. 

“Who was that?”

“Some freshman I’m tutoring,” Jinyoung shrugged, looking down at his watch. 

“Hold on, he was a freshman?” Jaebum’s eyebrows rose in disbelief. Judging by his height alone, he would’ve assumed him to be in his graduating year. “Why are you so chummy with the freshmen all of a sudden?”

“It’s called making friends, Jaebum, I know it might be difficult for you but you should try it sometime,” he spoke slowly, exaggerating each syllable with wide-eyes. Before Jaebum could express his irritation, Jinyoung’s eyes snapped behind him.

“Hi!” He waved to someone behind him and Jaebum cursed. Why was Jinyoung such a social person? He looked past his shoulder, only to see none other than Youngjae jogging towards them. His breath caught in his throat. Fuck, fuck. And to think he’d be free of him if he stayed out of the dorms. He swiveled back to Jinyoung with horrified features, but he looked far too happy and Jaebum worried for his sanity.

“Sup, guys!” Youngjae greeted with a slight pant, skidding to a stop before them and bending over to rest his hands on his thighs. A single bead of sweat rolled past his workout headband. Jaebum took one glance at his baggy white t-shirt and grey sweatpants, and suddenly became very interested in the chipping red paint on the table. 

“Did you forget your sweater?” Jinyoung sounded downright gleeful, taking turns to examine the both of them.

“No, no, I was just jogging,” Youngjae straightened, running a hand through his voluminous hair. “I didn’t want to overheat or anything.” God, Youngjae was so dumb, was all Jaebum could think. No one went jogging out in the middle of November, unless they enjoyed falling ill or were just really fucking stupid. 

“You’ll catch a cold,” he spoke up. Both Jinyoung and Youngjae looked over, startled. Jaebum regretted opening his mouth.

“I was running back to the dorms now anyways, I’ll be fine,” he smiled, and Jaebum stared pointedly at the red-orange leaves hanging on the tree behind him. “Oh! That reminds me. I need your number,” Youngjae nodded at Jaebum, “because, you know, we live together now and stuff.” 

“Yeah, Jaebum, that would be a smart idea,” Jinyoung grinned, pushing the notebook sitting on the table towards him. “I have a pen in my bag, do you need it?” 

“No need.” He challenged his mockery with a glare, and reached into his pocket. He pulled out the pen and slammed it onto the book with flushed cheeks. Jinyoung snorted.  
“Who keeps a pen in their pocket? What a dork,” he teased. Jaebum ducked his head at Youngjae’s amused chuckle, distracting himself from his rapidly darkening cheeks by scribbling his number down and roughly tearing it out of the notebook.

“Thanks!” He said brightly. “I’ll see you back home, yeah?” Youngjae took the number and tucked it into his pocket, and began to jog back to the pathway that wound around campus.

“Yeah, see you,” Jaebum mumbled. Jinyoung waited until he was out of earshot to burst into laughter. This was probably the worst day of his life by far. Curse Choi Youngjae and his forgetfulness and especially his odd jogging tendencies. 

“That was the best thing I’ve ever seen!” Jinyoung exclaimed.

Most of all, curse himself for not choosing to sit at the side of the bench where the pathways were visible.

~~~

When Jaebum came home later that day, he was greeted with the sight of Youngjae spread across the couch, with damp hair and the smell of green apple in the air. Jaebum stopped in the hallway. ‘Don’t lay on the couch with wet hair,’ he wanted to scold, but Youngjae’s eyes were closed and his head slumped forward onto his chest. Coco was curled up against his side and Nora rested beside his shoulder, and guilt prodded at his skin. 

_Give him a chance._

Jinyoung’s words echoed in his head, and Jaebum hesitated for a split-second before scooping the blanket bunched up at the end of the couch and throwing it over his sleeping figure.

_Give him a chance._

Maybe he should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aand jackbum's relationship status is out (from jinyoung's pov)  
> fun fact jinyoung is a huge 2jae shipper in this just because
> 
> wow, this was a pretty late update. i made it a lot longer though, hopefully that makes up for it! i've been pretty busy with school starting and all so updates won't be as often as they used to (i mean i only had like two chapters up anyway so i didn't have an updating schedule lol but whatever) 
> 
> i feel sort of rusty as i haven't written in like two weeks but i think this came out ok. what do you guys think? i'd love to hear feedback, it's v much appreciated!
> 
> thanks for all your positive comments :3  
> see you next upd8!


	4. 4

The following morning, when Jaebum dragged his feet to the kitchen, Youngjae wasn’t on the couch. He wasn’t surprised; he must’ve went back to his room sometime last night. Nora sat curled up in his place, and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Jaebum went to go sit beside her. 

“Morning, girl,” he crossed his feet, patting his lap. She lazily opened one eye, letting out a tired mewl, but otherwise didn’t seem willing to move. He stroked Nora gently on the head, who ducked her head and purred. Jaebum dragged her onto his lap and nuzzled her. 

“Oh, Nora,” he murmured. “What would I do without you?” 

Jaebum was sure of it-Nora was the only thing keeping Jaebum afloat on the violent seas of sudden change. He shuddered to think what his life would be without her. Surely he’d go under. With a dramatic exhale, he turned his attention away from the sleek ball of fur in his lap and looked out the window. The clouds were grey and heavy. They rolled low across the sky, bulging with rain and Jaebum felt the weight atop his shoulders. 

Thoughts of Jackson trickled into his mind. Not Youngjae, who burst into his life and brought in misfortune along with him, but Jackson. He scratched around Nora’s ears, and she rubbed her head into his hand, as if sensing his distress. He had no reason to feel distressed. He was anyways. 

“Morning,” Youngjae managed to greet mid-yawn, slowly trudging into the living room. He paused to stretch his arms above his head, and Jaebum blinked away a startled gaze. There, where the sleeve of his t-shirt fell back a bit, was a line of black ink along his shoulder. He opened his mouth to mention it, but something about the sneaky placement of it shut him up. 

Instead, he settled for a gruff, “Morning.” 

He stored the tattoo away in a folder at the back of his mind labeled ‘Usless Facts about Choi Youngjae’. Youngjae’s arms dropped, and when he smiled, his eyes were still puffy with sleep. Jaebum decided he’d done the right thing. The tattoo was none of his business anyways. 

Youngjae stopped at the white kitchen counter. Jaebum kept his eyes trained on his back. There was something exceptionally different in the air around him. Something calm, quiet, something that reminded him of the pale white sun hidden by the clouds outside. Something he’d never seen before. When he thought of Youngjae, he thought of his laughter and all the loud aspects in between, but none of them were visible now, and it only highlighted the lethargy in his movements, the lazy way he turned on the kettle, and how different they were from Jackson’s. 

Jackson was hyper in the mornings. A bite of breakfast and he’d be ready to start the day, never forgetting to shake Jaebum awake first, of course. It had only been a few days, but it felt like a distant memory now. He expected to feel some sort of pain. Jaebum didn’t. Perhaps it was because the reality of his moving out that had yet to sink in. Or maybe because he knew he’d see him again, but somewhere in his unsettled gut, he knew he was making excuses. 

He just didn’t want to go to the lunch date. He wanted to see Jackson, he really did, but the same part of him was wary. Something would go wrong. He knew. Jaebum was a magnet for bad luck, and now that these changes had their so called ‘relationship’ teetering on the tip of a thin string, he could confirm it. It was always the same old problems, but Youngjae’s arrival seemed to magnify them. 

Despite this, he found himself shifting Nora off of his lap and going to sit at the pitifully small kitchen table, close enough to Youngjae to hear his quiet humming. He poured his tea into a cup, and the sounds of his voice and the trickling of water seemed to be the only noises Jaebum could hear. The humming stopped abruptly. 

“Are you going to eat anything?” Youngjae asked, voice somewhat thick with sleep, but still warm and lively with use. He looked at him from over his shoulder as he spread butter over his toast. Jaebum’s breath caught in his throat. 

“I don’t eat breakfast,” he found himself mumbling. He hoped Youngjae would drop the topic. Somewhere deeper in their apartment, Jaebum heard Coco trotting across the floor boards. The small, white dog rounded the corner and headed straight for his food bowl, placed right beside Nora’s. His cat followed after, settling next to Coco, tail flicking as she ate. 

“See? Even they want breakfast. You should eat _something_ ,” he said, and placed his tea and plate of toast on the opposite side of the table. Jaebum shrugged and Youngjae rolled his eyes. 

“Here, you’ll feel a lot better.” He plucked a green apple from the fruit basket and handed it to Jaebum. He stared at the apple in his hands with hesitation, but when he looked up to see Youngjae’s kind smile, he was reminded of Jinyoung’s echoing words. 

_Give him a chance._

He took a grudging bite. Since when did they have a fruit basket, anyway?

~~~

He didn’t want to leave his apartment. Even if Youngjae was there. He just wanted to stay inside and watch the rain. Pet Nora. Eat the leftovers in the fridge. But on the other hand, there was Jackson. Difficult, hard to grasp, Jackson. He was slippery, like soap, and if Jaebum wasn’t careful he’d slip right out of his life. If he didn’t meet him for lunch today, who knew when they’d be able to see each other again? 

So Jaebum took a deep, cold breath, and opened the door to the bar and grill. A wave of warmth enveloped him. It was a nice place, and although small, it was cozy. Brown and beige patterning covered the walls, and the chairs were a mismatched, dark mahogany. His eyes flitted to the booths, and there, in the corner, he caught wind of Jackson. He waved excitedly, eyes shining, and Jaebum formed a relieved smile as he walked towards him. 

“Hey,” he greeted as he sat across from Jackson. 

“Jaebum!” Jackson reached for his hand and shook it enthusiastically. “I’m so glad you didn’t cancel or anything, I have a surprise.” 

The warning signs he should have felt were masked by his heartbeat quickening, and he grinned goofily in response. 

“Mark! Over here!” Jackson waved again with the safe bright smile he’d shown him, and too late, his heart spluttered and stopped, because when he turned around, Mark was heading towards their booth with a cat-like smile across his face.

~~~

The sudden vibration of his phone was a blessing. He’d sat and listened to Jackson talk about the benefits of his new herbal toothpaste for about fifteen minutes now, and judging by the quiet interest in Mark’s eyes, Jaebum was the only one who’s heard it a million times before. 

_youngjae: u busy? accidentally left my keys inside :c_

Jaebum blinked at the message for a few moments, thumbs hovering around the screen as he thought of a response. He considered his options. He could decline to help Youngjae, but in doing so, Jaebum would be stuck here with Jackson and Mark, forced to listen to stories that Jackson forgot he’d told him before, or, he could leave. The choice was easier than he wanted to admit. This lunch was already a ruin, with Mark’s presence. If he weren’t here, he’d be spared from Jackson’s horrific hobby of repeating stories. God, if he couldn’t see Jackson by himself, then it was easier to not see him at all. Could it be possible? Had Youngjae’s fuck-up led to something good? The opportunity was too good not to give up. 

“I think I have to go,” Jaebum interrupted Jackson’s blabber about healthy teeth, tone not as apologizing as he meant for it to be. Mark glanced down at Jaebum’s phone curiously.

“What?” Jackson looked at him, frowning in confusion. “Why?” 

“Youngjae got locked out,” he stated, and began to stand with the intention of leaving, but Jackson grabbed him by the wrist before he could. 

“Why don’t you invite him here, then?” Mark spoke up. 

“Great idea, Mark! The whole room-mate squad could have lunch together. We haven’t even ordered yet!” Jackson let go of his arm and grabbed his phone, which still sat on the table. Jaebum sunk back down into his seat, powerless to argue as Jackson typed quickly. He grinned and slid the phone face down back to Jaebum, patting it twice.

He knew this lunch was too good to be true. Fucking room-mate squad. 

~~~

It didn’t take long for Youngjae to arrive.

“Hello!” Youngjae announced, parking himself next to Jaebum. He wore a muscle tank underneath a thin sweater, and his nose and cheeks were bitten red by chilly winds, but with the way he smiled, no one could’ve guessed he was cold. 

“Eyy, Youngjae!” Jackson shouted, causing about half the staff to give him dirty looks. Inside his boots, Jaebum’s toes curled inside of his warm, fuzzy socks. He took a deep breath. This was the catch of seeing Jackson without making plans months in advance, wasn’t it? This lunch was supposed to be special, but it wasn’t. Once again, Jackson was far too social to stick with just Jaebum, wasn’t he? He should be used to the disappointment by now. He smiled at Youngjae bitterly. Why would’ve anything good come out of this? He shouldn’t have come here. 

A tall kid with an apron walked up to their booth, pen and notebook in hand. He looked oddly familiar, and as Jaebum analyzed him, he realized- it was that guy Jinyoung had been tutoring earlier. They shared an awkward gaze.

“Hey, Yugyeom! Mark down the usual for me,” Youngjae ordered, and Yugyeom looked relieved to break away from his stare. He jotted down everyone’s orders as quickly as he could and left. Jaebum couldn't help but think it was a solace to see him go. Jinyoung had the weirdest taste in students. 

“You hypocrite, you’ve been preaching about health five minutes ago, and you didn’t even order a salad?” Mark laughed and nudged Jackson once the waiter left. Jaebum stared at the place their skin touched, pressing his lips into a thin line. Solace didn't last long for him, apparently. 

The tight rope his relationship with Jackson sat on swayed above a churning ocean, and as everyone waited for their food, he found the rope swayed more and more every time Jackson’s touches were directed at someone other than him. Jaebum knew he was too jealous, too bitter, but he was already so far away. At least living together had meant private moments between the two that were miles above special, smiles that were specifically for him, and Jaebum was starved- he missed it more than anything in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes its angsty jaebum 
> 
> i would've made the chapter longer, but i decided to stop there for ~reasons~ so this is gonna be p.1 of this chapter  
> a.k.a i've got a whole bunch of assignments and couldn't write more, so pls enjoy this as i scream about how unfair the education system is 
> 
> i didn't have as much time to edit, but i haven't updated in a while and decided to post this anyways. i'll go back to edit this when i have time, i promise ;-;
> 
> hopefully you enjoyed it anyways <3


	5. 5

“Ugh,” Youngjae grimaced beside him, poking at his salad with a fork. It’s been five minutes since they’ve gotten their food, and Jaebum was just starting to appreciate the quiet they’ve settled into as they ate. Of course, that meant it had to get disrupted, because _god forbid_ Jaebum enjoy anything for too long. 

“What’s wrong, Youngjae?” Jackson looked up from his own burger, worry setting his eyebrows into slopes.

“This has cucumbers in it.” Youngjae’s face scrunched into one of disgust, picking the cucumber slices out of the salad and pushing them to the side of his plate. 

“You hate cucumbers? Aww, I’ve never met anyone with such a weird dislike, how cute!” Jackson cooed and Jaebum regretted leaving his apartment for the millionth time that day, because he was smiling widely. Wider than he did with Jaebum as of late. What was so special about Youngjae, anyways? 

“Give them here then,” Jackson pushed his plate to his and leaned across the table. Youngjae stared at the plate in disgust and Jaebum took it as a chance to stare at him subtly- scanning his face to find anything, _anything_ that could be classified as adorable, but all he saw was just the same, old Youngjae. 

“Take them, please. Take the whole salad, actually, it’s tainted,” Youngjae leaned back with crossed arms, eyes narrowed at the salad as if it committed murder. Jaebum looked back down at his plate. Perhaps there’d been something with the pout of his lip- no, he was being paranoid. Youngjae wasn’t cute, or attractive, and he and Jackson were just friends. But there used to be a time when Jackson liked to call Jaebum cute, too.

“You know, greens are good for you. All greens,” his tone turned lecturing as he scraped the cucumbers into his own plate, and Mark snickered. 

“Yeah, you would know,” he spoke up, revealing his pointed teeth with a devilish smile. Youngjae rolled his eyes. 

“Shut up, Mark,” Jackson replied sharply, stabbing his fork into the pile of salad, as if he was offended that someone would dare to comment on his extensive knowledge of vegetables. Jaebum watched their interaction with a puzzled expression. 

“Am I missing something?” There’d been something in the glimmer of Mark’s eye that made him feel like he hadn’t seen Jackson for more than a few days. 

“No, no,” Jackson dismissed with a wave of his hand. “Mark here is being an asshole like usual.”

Jaebum decided let it go quickly. There was no need to dwell on the problems he’d dealt with a million times before, when he could just distract himself with the task of figuring out why everyone regarded Youngjae as cute. 

~~~

Sometime later in the mess they called ‘lunch’, a bottle of beer was introduced. Perhaps it was a mistake, maybe not, but with every sip Jaebum felt his throat warm up and his thoughts of Jackson slip away. It was easier this way, every touch that didn’t include him was less painful and eventually he felt nothing towards it at all. Somewhere in the background, he could feel Yugyeom staring at him- if Jaebum were more sober, he'd feel more alarmed, especially when he took out his phone- but he wasn't exactly sober. Instead, he watched Youngjae laughs and movements with an unfocused daze. He allowed himself to think that maybe, just maybe, Youngjae was a bit cute after all. It had something to do with his cheeks, he knew for sure, because every time he smiled they bunched up cutely and Jaebum couldn’t keep his eyes off of them, except for when the vibrations in his pocket shocked him into reality. 

“H-hello?” He grabbed the phone, fumbling with the buttons as he picked up the call. There was only a disappointed sigh on the other end. “Jinyoung?” He asked, because who else would call him just to sigh at him?

“Jaebum! What are you doing?” The voice was definitely Jinyoung’s, slightly crackled and panicked but still recognizable. It took him a moment to process that Jinyoung actually spoke words, so he spent another good minute or so thinking. What was he doing? He couldn’t say that he was staring at Youngjae, of course, because Jinyoung would interpret it wrongly and the last thing he needed was his best friend assuming things about him.

“Sitting,” he replied. “I’m also breathing, but it doesn’t count ‘cause it happens anyways, no matter how little effort I put into it.” 

Another really loud sigh. 

“You know what, never mind, pass the phone to Youngjae.” He sounded more annoyed than anything. Rather proud of himself, Jaebum tapped Youngjae on the shoulder, who turned away from his lively conversation with Jackson to blink at him.

“It’s for you.” He held out his phone, and Youngjae’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion, no doubt wondering why someone would call Jaebum to reach him when he had his own phone. Now that Jaebum thought about it, how did Jinyoung know he was with Youngjae?

“For me?” Youngjae questioned, reaching for the phone but not quite grabbing it yet.

“For you,” he nodded in confirmation. Youngjae smiled brightly and held the phone up to his ear. Jinyoung’s words weren’t audible, especially not in the constant undertone of chatter of the restaurant, but Jaebum wasn’t listening anyways. He was busy watching the way Youngjae spoke, animatedly and with constant hand gestures, and Jaebum smiled. Perhaps Youngjae was just a little bit more than cute. Not too much, because Nora existed, but a little bit. He didn’t realize the phone call ended until his phone was placed back on his lap.

“Sorry guys, I have to go,” Youngjae said sheepishly. 

Jackson groaned loudly. “Aw, stay for a bit!”

“Don’t be clingy,” Mark squeezed his shoulder. Youngjae shuffled out of the booth with a laugh, and stood at their table and looked him in the eye. 

“Come, Jaebum,” Youngjae beckoned at him to follow with the crook of his finger. Perhaps Youngjae brought something good to this lunch after all. He smiled apologetically at Mark and Jackson, and followed Youngjae out the door. 

~~~

Sometime between the hours of Jaebum entering and leaving the restaurant, it finally rained. Leaves of different shades of red, yellow, and orange stuck to the ground, scattered around the dark sidewalks and the patches of yellowing grass. Youngjae walked beside him, matching his stride. His hand was enclosed around his arm. He didn’t have to keep it there, because Jaebum wasn’t even that intoxicated, but Youngjae did anyway. Jaebum didn’t mind much. The silence between them wasn’t icy, and neither was the air around them. Maybe a bit chilly, but mellower in a way, and it reminded him of Youngjae in the mornings. 

~~~

Jaebum’s head was in Youngjae’s lap. He wasn’t sure how he got there, or if it had been intentional on his part, but now Youngjae’s hands were in his hair and Jaebum’s mind felt too muffled to complain. He felt tired. Like he was on the brink of sleep, covered with a soft blanket and coddled by the soft muttering of a television, but his eyes were open. Jaebum sighed. He liked it, the soft pull and tug of his hair. It sent pleasant prickles around his skull. 

“You’re not actually that tough, are you, hmm?” Youngjae smiled over him. Jaebum leaned into his touch, despite his instinct to deny everything. 

“Not to you,” he muttered. “You’re giving me a free head massage.” Youngjae laughed, tugging on Jaebum’s hair softly. 

“You don’t get free head massages from Jackson?” He asked, and Jaebum’s relaxed smile wilted.

“No.” He didn’t want to talk about Jackson. It was a relief to have him out of his mind for once, to stop stressing about keeping him close, because the longer he went without Jackson, the less he thought about his attachment to him. There was a pause in the movements of Youngjae’s fingers.

“What do you get from him, then?” The question was tentative. Usually, this was the part where Jaebum clammed up and changed the subject, but when he looked up, he saw Youngjae’s curious, blinking eyes and felt the warmth in his veins and it didn’t do anything to resist the words he so badly wanted to avoid. 

“Nothing much,” he whispered hoarsely. Youngjae resumed with his massaging, pushing against his scalp with the pads of his fingers in just the right away. 

“Why do you stay with him, then?” 

Youngjae was pushing. He could recognize about that much, but he didn’t care. Maybe it was alcohol in his blood stream, the way it made his jaw loose, or maybe it was the soothing fingers in his hair that pried the words out of his jaw, but maybe, just maybe, it was Youngjae himself, who sounded so warm and understanding that he’d tell him his deepest secrets if he asked.

“I’m not with him,” he chuckled, but it wasn’t a happy chuckle. “We used to be. We still kind of are.”

Youngjae looked puzzled, not judgemental. Jaebum took a deep breath and tried again. 

“It’s like we’re ex-boyfriends who still belong to each other, but don’t know how to express it or how to stop what we used to do, so we just call ourselves friends,” he explained, but even as he spoke he knew he was just confusing Youngjae further. Did Jaebum even know what Jackson was to him?

“It sounds like there’s nothing but sentimentality between you two,” Youngjae told him. 

“Maybe.” Jaebum didn’t know how to reply to the unexpectedly wise analysis Youngjae just threw down. He thought of his feelings for Jackson, as much as his tired mind could allow. He’d been longing for Jackson alone for the longest time, in a way that never made sense. Even before the move, he never forgot the way Jackson liked to skip affection around others, but today it was almost like they’d never had that affection in the first place. Jaebum frowned. He didn’t want to even think about Jackson anymore. Jackson was difficult to figure out, a mystery that he’d need to be sober for. It gave him a headache.

“Thanks,” he said, even if Youngjae did nothing but raise more doubts. Jaebum turned his head and buried it into Youngjae’s stomach without thinking twice. It was comfortable, natural, even if he felt Youngjae tense under his t-shirt. 

“You know,” Jaebum drawled, “I wasn’t always so tough.” 

“Somehow I’m not surprised.” 

“I used to have bleached hair. It had this gaudy pink stripe in it.”

“How cute,” Youngjae laughed. He was quieter than usual, but his stomach still shook, and Jaebum wrapped both arms around his middle to make it stop. “Still, that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to fall asleep on me.” 

“How about I do anyways?” 

Youngjae looked flushed, but didn’t complain further. Jaebum let his breathing even out and his eyelids drop. His fingers went back to his hair, massaging away the stress and grumpiness and every negative emotion he felt all day, and with it went the weight on his shoulders. He pressed closer to Youngjae’s warmth. It couldn’t have been later than six in the afternoon, but Jaebum fell asleep to the soothing up-and-down of Youngjae’s breathing, curled up in a warm blanket, and it was probably the calmest drunk sleep he’d ever fell into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit short, but that's cuz its part two of the last chapter ^^ this isn't edited either, whoops, but i hope the insight into the weird relationship jackbum has made up for it
> 
> throwing a bone out to you 2jae shippers in this one, because it was about time they cuddled or done some cute shit like that <3
> 
> also, im staying home for like a week 'cause im mourning the loss of my appendix so expect another update soon!


	6. 6

Jaebum woke up to the smell of coffee. Bleary-eyed and with a slight headache pounding at his temples, he pushed away his blanket and stretched his stiff limbs, and immediately almost rolled off of the edge of the couch. His arm shot out to catch himself just before he could become a pile of limbs on the floor. 

“You’re up early,” came a teasing comment from across the room, and the events from the night before streamed into his mind. Jaebum groaned, embarrassment reddening his cheeks. The most prominent of them included Youngjae. 

“Don’t,” he said, voice unpleasantly hoarse. He cleared his throat but it was too late, an uncomfortably large smile spread across Youngjae’s face and he pattered over. He set down a cup of coffee and a couple of pills onto the table, and Jaebum took them grudgingly. 

“You were so cute last night,” Youngjae sat on the table, leaning forward to brush his hair out of his eyes, and he cringed away, covering his face with his hands. He didn’t want a reminder. The last thing he wanted was to be prompted on how sweetly he slept on Youngjae’s lap last night, how he’d melted under his touch, or even the amount of time he’d spent just staring at him, like some creep. He wished he never went to that stupid lunch. Jaebum reached for the coffee and took a large gulp. 

“That doesn’t usually happen,” he defended weakly, propping himself up on his elbow to scan the apartment. “Where’s Nora?” He asked, just to change the subject, because if he had to sit on the topic of last night any longer he feared his face would burn off. 

“I’m not sure. Maybe she’s napping with Coco on my bed again,” Youngjae stood, completely oblivious to Jaebum’s suspiciously fast changing train of thought. “I’ll go check.” Youngjae had only taken a couple of steps out into the hallway before Jaebum’s eyes spotted the open front door. 

“Wait!” He scrambled to sit up, panic tearing through his chest-“Wait, I think she’s gone.”

~~~

Nora was definitely gone. Even after scouring the dorm with Youngjae for every single possible space a small black cat could fit into, he still couldn’t understand it. Nora couldn’t have escaped. He loved her, fed her, hugged her and gave her a home, but the second she saw a way out, she bolted straight out the door. Jaebum clutched the cup of cold coffee in his hands tighter. 

“I’m really sorry for leaving the door open,” Youngjae apologized, eyes shifting to the ground for a moment. He paused awkwardly. 

“She was probably curious. She’ll be back soon,” he continued with words that sounded far too stiff to be genuine. He patted Jaebum’s back in a way that was supposed to be comforting, but wasn’t. He knew Youngjae was trying to be nice, because that’s the type of person he was, but it was doing more harm than good. Before Nora lived with him, she lived in the grounds right around the library. If hard logic was applied, it could be assumed that she’d explored everything to boredom by now, yet she still chose that over the warmth and constant safety that Jaebum’s dorm brought. At this point, cold and straight-forward facts would comfort Jaebum more. 

“No, she won’t. Most of the dorm buildings look the same. She won’t know how to come back if she wanted to,” he sulked. A small yip came from below, breaking his stare down with the door. Coco still loyally sat by Youngjae’s feet, wagging his tail and panting in the cute puppy way he was known to do. He nudged at Jaebum’s foot and yipped again, so he reached down and pet his ears.

“How come Coco didn’t escape?” He found himself asking, finding it rather unfair that Coco was still here and happy, but Nora wasn’t. It was just his bad luck, he supposed. 

“Because I trust him,” Youngjae shrugged simply. “If I held him on a leash all the time, he’d be more likely to run away,” he smiled fondly at the small dog, and suddenly everything clicked together. It was like the last puzzle piece sliding into place, like feeling the current of a refreshingly cool river flow past you during a sweltering hot day, like watching the sky in the countryside- and he stared at Youngjae, entranced, like he found the secret to life itself. And it went something like this: no one renovated crumbling buildings- they knocked them to the ground and rebuilt them from scratch. 

~~~

The chair Jaebum pulled out from across Jinyoung screeched against the tiled floor. He’d be more apologetic within the towering book shelves and quiet atmosphere of the library, but he didn’t care much. He had things to say and there was no better place to say them, so the rest of the nerds who wanted to complain could suck it. Jinyoung looked up from his book, puzzled. 

“Oh, hey. Thought you’d be busy today-“

“I’m going to break up with Jackson.” Jaebum interrupted. Jinyoung’s eyes widened with glee, pushing his hair back as he blinked disbelievingly. 

“Wait, what? I mean, finally, I’m glad, but where the hell did this come from?” He slammed his book shut, leaning forward on his elbows, but Jaebum waved away his questions. 

“No, no. Don’t be so relieved, it won’t be permanent.” The glee in his eyes died, but it was quickly replaced with disappointment. 

“I should’ve known,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “I would try to convince you to cut out part two of that plan, but nothing I say is going to stop you, is it?” 

“Nope,” Jaebum grinned. “But it’s a good idea, trust me. It’ll fix everything.” 

Jinyoung stared at him for a couple of seconds, scanning him, but perhaps he saw something hopeful in his eyes, because he slouched back in his chair and sighed. “Does this have anything to do with last night? Yugyeom was working his shift there, you know. He told me you looked pretty out of it.” 

At the mention of Yugyeom, Jaebum felt his expression darken. “I’m glad he was looking out for me and all, but he didn’t have to. I wasn’t that out of it, just a bit tipsy,” he corrected, working to keep most of the bite out of his voice. “He should’ve stayed out of it, actually. Would’ve saved me a lot of embarrassment this morning.” 

“Don’t blame whatever weird and embarrassing thing you’ve done on Yugyeom. He’s a good kid. Besides, isn’t there a saying that goes something like,” Jinyoung hesitated, eyebrows furrowed, “people are the most honest when they’re drunk? I don’t actually know how it goes, but it still applies.” He laughed, covering his mouth with his sleeve to muffle the sound, because Jinyoung was always weirdly strict about following the rules of the library. Jaebum felt the uncomfortable heat of a blush settle on his cheeks and slid down his seat an inch. The memory of calling Youngjae ‘cute’ over and over in his mind suddenly played. Alright, fine. He’d admit it, just to give himself some peace of mind. Youngjae was cute. It was nothing personal, and not at all a compliment, but a fact. A fact he wasn’t willing to dwell on. 

“But it doesn’t matter, at least you got home safe.” Jinyoung’s arm dropped to reveal a sudden stern, motherly expression, and Jaebum knew what he couldn’t bear to add- _as opposed to the times you didn’t_. “Oh, speaking of Yugyeom, there he is! You should probably thank him.” Jaebum really didn’t want to, but Jinyoung’s voice took on a familiarly firm tone, and he knew he didn’t have any choice. Yugyeom strolled out from behind a book shelf, and upon spotting Jaebum, grabbed another chair from a nearby table and carried it over. 

“Sorry it took so long to check that book out. Librarian wanted to chat,” he sat, and crossed his long legs towards Jinyoung with an angelic smile. Jaebum sensed bullshit. 

“Way to keep me waiting again, brat,” Jinyoung, who didn’t notice Yugyeom’s suspicious lack of books, clicked his tongue in fake annoyance. “Jaebum here has something to tell you.” 

Yugyeom turned to face him with raised eyebrows, slowly, but nonetheless a cloud of cologne wafted towards him. Jaebum took one whiff and felt himself freeze. Not because of the cologne, no, but because of the clever undertone of smoke it was hiding. 

“I-“ Jaebum started, but found he couldn’t finish. The smoke was subtle but suffocating; it leached the air around them and with every breath, Jaebum’s lungs grew tighter and tighter. God, he hated smokers. They polluted the air with their own bad hobbies, like they were more important than anyone else, stealing fresh air and giving back only poisonous fumes. No matter where they went, toxicity lingered- on their clothes, in their exhales, wherever their footsteps fell. His grip on the edge of the table grew tighter and his knuckles lost colour, and he pushed his chair back with a loud screech so that he could _breath_. And before anyone could see his panic, he stretched his legs, casually, calmly, languidly. Like the way Nora used to stretch in the mornings. 

“Thanks,” he managed, after a long pause. “For noticing I was drinking and calling Jinyoung last night.” He didn’t sound particularly thankful, mostly gruff, but Jinyoung smiled proudly and he knew he was off the hook either way. 

“It wasn’t for you,” Yugyeom shrugged and looked away, flicking at the pencil beside Jinyoung’s textbook. Jaebum regretted opening his mouth. His apologies didn’t come easy, and even if this one wasn’t genuine, having it brushed aside stung. “It was for Youngjae.” 

“What do you mean?” Jaebum frowned. 

Yugyeom shrugged nonchalantly. 

~~~

“Before you say anything, I’m really sorry!” Jackson apologized, sitting beside him on the cold park bench, a sheepish look spread across his face. His appearance should’ve stirred warmth into his heart, but Jackson had always been the warmest in the summer. Not even his sunny smile could help the weight of words he still had yet to say. 

“For what?” Jaebum asked, quirking a brow at him. “You’re not late.” It looked like it, because Jaebum’s face was undoubtedly red with the cold, but that was only because he was early. 

“Never mind.” Jackson scuffed the pathway with his worn out boots. “What did you want to talk about?” He sounded both nervous and guilty, but at least he was there. Jaebum really couldn’t believe that all it took was a ‘we need to talk’ text message to clear Jackson’s schedule and have him running back to this side. Suddenly all the times he had to endure countless rain checks seemed pointless. Jaebum cleared his throat. He’d sat on this bench, going through multiple flowery ways to break up with someone you weren’t technically dating, but none of them were appropriate anymore and Jaebum’s mind went blank. 

“I…want to break up,” he finally forced himself to say. But it was too blunt, and he could see it in the way Jackson went slack jawed, the way the air went still, so he jumped to explain. “I mean. Not forever. I guess I just want us to take a break? I’m sick of being your secret, Jackson.” 

Jackson gaped for a couple more seconds, an indistinguishable stuttering mess escaping his mouth. The air was chillier without Jackson’s smile. Jaebum wanted to take it all back, but he wasn’t a coward anymore, so he pressed his lips together and let his words settle. 

“Is this about last night? I said I was really sorry.”

Jaebum shook his head. “That’s not it, but I’m not changing my mind. We’ve been doing this since high school, yeah? We’ve both changed since then.”

“Meaning, you don’t need me anymore.” Jackson sounded like he was on the verge on tears, but Jaebum didn’t dare look at him. 

“No. I don’t.” He wouldn’t have replied if he knew his words would come out so cold. God, he hoped Jackson remembered he’d come back- he always would, because they belonged together. No matter how final he sounded now, his words were just words, they wouldn’t settle. They’d fly off and dissipate in the icy wind, and when the sun shone again, they’d be together again. 

Jackson grabbed his arm and tilted his head to kiss him sweetly, but his lips were dry and Jaebum felt nothing but the sweet anguish of breaking someone’s heart. The building of their past fell with a crash so loud that fissures spread across the earth, but when he got up to leave, the weight on his shoulders was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imsosorry but it had to be done, for the 2jae
> 
> i just noticed, i passed 10k words? in just five chapters? wow, considering how bad i am at writing long things, that is something im very proud of ^^  
> also, i passed a hundred kudos as of last chapter! id like to thank every single person who took the time to leave a kudos, comment, or even read through this! i appreciate it a lot and it makes me extremely happy to know you are enjoying this story~ i hope you all continue to enjoy it!


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning- there's a brief mention of homophobia in this chapter. it's really subtle, and its like, one line, but i thought i'd warn you guys juuust in case

He was falling, falling- the very moment he got off that park bench, but somehow he could put one foot in front of the other and all he could think about was the cold. Not how biting and bitter it was, but how maybe it existed so that nobody took the warmth for granted. It was cold, so cold that it seeped through his leather jacket, but he all he felt was a numb sort of chill in his bones and a small buzz of anticipation for the spring, deep somewhere in a dark corner of his soul. When he stepped into his and Youngjae’s dorm, a wave of warmth washed over him. Youngjae must’ve turned the heater on. 

“Youngjae?” He called out, carelessly tossing his leather jacket onto the couch and sounding a lot more composed than he thought he’d be. A part of him wished Youngjae wasn’t home, so that he wouldn’t feel compelled to comfort him, but another part of him was concerned- it was too dark outside for it to be safe for anybody. A couple of quick footsteps coming from the kitchen broke him out of his worries. 

“Jaebum! Come in here for a moment.” Youngjae sounded excited, and Jaebum hesitated. He didn’t want to do anything but sit and stare at a wall blankly, but his feet moved towards the kitchen without his permission. 

And there was Youngjae. The boy was a mess. Flushed cheeks and eyes that never settled on one place for more than a second. He looked so at home, too, wearing fluffy socks and a shirt that looked far too big on him, Coco circling around his feet. Somewhere in Jaebum’s bones, the cold receded, slowly. Youngjae gestured at the table with a big nervous smile. 

“What’s this?” Jaebum asked, looking at the variety of foods that were set out. He cringed internally. It was dinner, of course. He really needed to stop asking stupid things. 

“Well,” Youngjae didn’t seem bothered by the question, taking a deep breath and wringing his hands. “I don’t think we really started off on the best terms.” He started slowly, but before the comment could be interpreted as offensive, he quickly spoke up again.

“I’m not blaming you, though, I know I can be a bit much sometimes, and you don’t seem to be the type to appreciate change…but that’s not the point!” His hands dropped to his sides and somewhere in the middle of his speech, his words flowed more naturally, like water, into his ears and over his mind. Jaebum opened his mouth to speak, to deny everything, because if Jackson hadn’t realized that about him then Youngjae definitely shouldn’t have, but the water swept away any words he had. Youngjae put a finger up to shush him. He hadn’t been shushed since high school, but strangely, he didn’t mind. 

“Ever since I came here, you always looked so upset, and I noticed you weren’t eating well…so I was hoping we can eat dinner together, and start over, maybe?” He looked him in the eye and Jaebum felt his breath stop. 

Not even the cruelest monster in the galaxy could squash Youngjae’s hopeful smile. So he smiled back instead.

~~~

He was falling, falling, no rope to stop him and nothing to keep him up, so he fell into the seas of change with a splash. Jaebum had always been afraid of falling. It was irrational and illogical, he knew, but was it really, when there was always something to lose? His well-being, his sanity, his breath- whatever left him depended on how he landed- if he landed at all. And just as much as he’d been afraid of falling, he was afraid of landing too- because nothing and nobody stayed with him when he hit the ground. Because it always took an eternity to climb back up, an eternity to find what he’d lost. 

The first time Jaebum fell, it had been his first day at kindergarten. The memory might’ve grown fuzzy with time, but he still remembered the excitement, the jittery feeling in his chest and the way he ran, pulling his mother along with him. He’d spent the first few years of his life stumbling and learning and building on everything he knew, but he never thought he’d fall. So, when the day to expand his experiences came, he didn’t dread it all. 

That is, not until he realized his mother wouldn’t be attending school with him. He remembered grabbing onto her skirt with his small hands, his mother smiling apologetically as she gently tugged her skirt from his grip and promised to come back later. And so when she left, he turned back to look at all the kids his age, and stumbled quietly into a seat at the back. Only during recess did he find the courage to speak. The boy’s name and face disappeared from his memory a long time ago, but he still remembered the bright smile he gave right before he shoved Jaebum onto the pavement. 

It had taken around a week for his skinned knee to heal. 

The second time he fell was in fifth grade. He built up a solid foundation for himself again, but this time, it was stronger and smoother and he had a friend by his side. Jaebum didn’t remember his name, either, because they never had anything in common and they always argued over the simplest things. Jaebum stayed with him nonetheless.

“Do you think I’d look good with pink hair?” He remembered asking one day. The class was noisy and cramped, but his friend was busy, hunched over a sheet of paper. 

“God, no. That’s so gay. Don’t even think about it,” he snapped back with a glare, and the sudden stabbing in his heart would be imprinted on his mind for years. No one pushed him down, but he found himself crying on the bathroom floor later that day nonetheless. 

The third time he fell was when Jaebum moved to Seoul to attend high school. This time, he stood unprepared and alone, with knobbly knees and a pink stripe in his newly bleached hair. Maybe his friend had been right about the pink, because it had taken him a few months to settle into his new life. Except, he settled all wrong. Somehow he found himself in a group of smokers and trouble-makers, and he had no one to blame but the boy with blonde hair and a bright smile, who had been the first to talk to him. The boy was social and liked to jump from group to group- he wasn’t there half the time, but when he was, Jaebum liked to listen to his hyena-like laugh. And to him, it was enough.

“Go on. Get up there,” a different boy sneered, an unlit cigarette in his hands. Jaebum remembered the way the air around them smelled of smoke, the used cigarettes littering the yellowing grass around the tool shed. Most of them had been theirs. A few of them had been Jaebum’s. 

“I can do it this time instead. You know I don’t smoke,” blonde-haired boy spoke up, but everybody else laughed. 

“He refused to smoke last time, so this is his punishment. He has to,” the head of the group smiled. It wasn’t friendly, but sharp and unforgiving. So Jaebum climbed, clutching onto the edges of the stone as tightly as he could and pulled himself up, feet scrambling along the stone walls to find something to push against. And finally, Jaebum stood on top of the tool shed, scanning the area past the bushes for anyone who could catch them. 

“Coast is clear.”

And the boys all whooped and cheered and lit their cigarettes, but the happiness was short lived because Jaebum forgot to check behind him, and a teacher walked past. Cigarettes were stomped into the ground, ‘run!’s were shouted into the air, and everybody bolted. Everyone but Jaebum and the boy with the hyena laugh. 

“Come on,” he gestured quickly, but Jaebum was too hasty when he jumped off of the shed, and landed elbow-first onto the cold, hard ground. 

Days later, when he came to school with his arm in a cast, the same group of boys he used to speak with every day never looked him in the eye again. Everyone except for the blonde-haired boy. Jaebum’s arm healed eventually, but those boys did nothing more than gossip about him behind his back. Yet, whenever he saw them, his felt his lungs itch. The hyena boy was always there to smack the cigarettes out of his hand.

And then, even though he’d kept him close, the fourth time he fell was inevitable- finally letting that blonde-haired boy go, but instead of landing into the deep, churning nightmare he expected to drown in, the sea was warm and the water moved easily around his fingertips. 

~~~

“Are you sure you’re okay? Breakups aren’t easy.” Youngjae was being nice again, leaning across the table with wide eyes and a fist tucked under his chin. God, he was so nice that Jaebum didn’t know what to do anymore. 

“I’m not sure.” He used his fork to push around the crumbs on his empty plate. He wasn’t even sure how he’d told him about Jackson, either. One second they were talking about favourite colours and then Youngjae had given him the puppy eyes- the next thing he knew, everything that happened earlier spilled past his lips. It hurt a little bit, but not much- telling stories always hurt less than living through them. 

Youngjae gave him caring look, almost as if he were trying to hug him with his eyes. 

“Here, let me take this,” and he stacked their plates, taking them to the sink. It was already overflowing with pots and pans, which Jaebum would undoubtedly end up washing tomorrow morning. He didn’t mind. 

“Come on.” Youngjae’s hand gently tugged on his arm, leading him to the couch. He found he didn’t mind that, either. His hands were warm, and it was sweet, the way he sat him down beside him and pushed Jaebum’s head onto his shoulder. Coco trotted after him- and everything was so, so warm- how had he hated Youngjae before? He felt like home. There was just something about the smell of green apple, and his voice. It was smooth and confident, sometimes quick but now, it was slow, and it reminded him of the gentle lapping of waves against the shoreline. 

“I guess I’m not that upset, because I know we’re not broken up for good.” Jaebum doesn’t know why he’s trying to explain himself. The moment reminds him of the time when he was drunk enough to fall asleep on his lap. He wasn’t drunk this time, but somehow Jaebum ended up closer to him than he’d ever thought he’d allow himself. The only thing missing was Youngjae’s hands. His hands weren’t in his hair this time and it felt dreadfully wrong. 

“Why are you so attached to him, Jaebum? Don’t you want to try something new?” He heard the frown in his voice and felt his chest rise with a stifled sigh. Jaebum turned his head into Youngjae’s neck, just because it made sense to. Because his cheeks were warm and Youngjae’s hand was curled around his bicep. Because maybe it was okay for him to seek comfort in other people after all.

“I don’t want to talk about Jackson anymore.” 

And Youngjae laughed- tilted Jaebum’s chin towards him with the tip of his finger, so that Jaebum could see just how pleased Youngjae looked. His laugh dwindled into a smile, a silent mirth glittering in his eyes. Jaebum watched them, the way they got closer and closer and the way he didn’t feel the need to pull away. It made his heart skip beats. And suddenly, he’s so close that he could count the fading freckles on his cheeks- one, two, and then his eyes fluttered closed and Youngjae’s soft lips pressed right under his eyebrow- one, two kisses, for each mole. His fingers ran down his arm in rivulets, soft like water, warm like spring. Jaebum didn't mind it at all.

“I’m glad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruhh 
> 
> tbh this chapter was gonna be pure 100% 2jae fluff but apparently i can't write more than 1k of cute stuff before having the urge to make everybody cry, so that's why the backstory was jammed in there oops (i hope it wasn't too sudden)
> 
> this also isn't as edited as i'd like it to be, but i didn't want to leave you guys for like an entire month with that sad ending last chapter
> 
> nonetheless i hope you enjoyed my second attempt of fluff~


	8. 8

It was snowing. Delicate masses of white snowflakes fell from a colourless grey sky, and the street lamps were pearly stars, illuminating the snow-scattered paths beneath them. Somewhere past their tiny kitchen window, rows upon rows of trees caught delicate mounds of white on their bare branches. It looked lovely, Jaebum could admit, even if didn’t care much for snow, but the winter was misleading. There was no hiding the slight cold that seeped in from the edges of the windows. 

Youngjae, on the other hand, was in love.

Jaebum listened to his chatter about winter patiently, sipping occasionally from his mug of hot chocolate. They sat in the kitchen that morning, snug in pajamas and bundled in blankets. Here, it was warm- it was strange, how easy the air was between them- he expected it to be heavy and awkward, but it was smooth and light in a way that he never imagined it could be.

If someone told Jaebum he’d be willingly listening to his new room-mate chattering on and on about snow, he would’ve laughed in their face, yet here he was, taking in every word with open ears. Perhaps it was the way Youngjae’s voice travelled throughout the apartment, or his big grin, but he was almost…endearing. Endearing enough to keep Jaebum hooked on every word he said, no matter how nonsensical they were- another thing to add into the ‘Useless Facts about Choi Youngjae’ folder. 2) He liked to speak too much.

“And then I pushed her and she fell face-first in the snow!” Youngjae finished his story, letting out a loud chortle of laughter. 

“God, you’re a monster, pushing down your own sister like that,” Jaebum chided teasingly, a swell of something affectionate in his chest, and Youngjae reached over the table to slap his arm. 

3) He was also extremely violent. 

“Ouch,” Jaebum exclaimed sarcastically, and Youngjae grinned in response. He felt his heart warm up, just a little bit- but he blamed his weirdly cheerful personality, it was highly infectious. Jaebum never would’ve imagined this when Youngjae first moved in, this feeling. He still couldn’t describe it. He could compare it to sitting in a puddle of sunshine, but a _feeling_ couldn’t be that strong, could it? It was both subtle and overwhelming at the same time, and the more he thought of it, the more he felt his mind turn to mush, and Jaebum fumbled for his cup. Across the table, Youngjae watched him with softening eyes.

“You know,” he started, taking a sip of his hot chocolate, “you aren’t as tough as you seem.” 

Something in Jaebum’s heart stuttered in surprise. “What makes you say that?” 

Jaebum didn’t know if Youngjae was just extremely observant, or if he was just an open book that no one had bothered to read before- but with the way his heartbeat sped up, Jaebum knew he wouldn’t mind the former. Youngjae tilted his head at him, eyes boring so deeply into him that he could probably see his soul if he wanted to, and smiled.

“Maybe it has something to do with that time you fell asleep in my lap,” Youngjae took another sip. “Or with the fact you made us hot chocolate in batman pajamas,” he quirked an eyebrow. There was something else unspoken in the air. Youngjae let it sit for only a moment before speaking up again. 

“Maybe it was the time you-“

“I think I forgot my books at Mark’s place.” Jaebum interrupted, because Youngjae’s eyes were sparkling and his cheeks were flushed and he knew what he was going to say- _maybe it was the time you let me kiss you_. He felt the red rising to his cheeks. 

It was pathetic, how little it took for him to blush, and just over the mention of a stupid kiss- not even one on the mouth. It meant nothing, but that nothing still sat like a heavy weight in Jaebum’s mind- the softness of Youngjae’s lips, and maybe, how they would feel against his own. Youngjae shifted his hand- just an inch, but it was enough, and it rested on top of Jaebum’s, warm and comforting. 

“Stay for now,” he smiled kindly, and there was something so deep and hypnotic in his gaze- and Jaebum jerked back. No, no, he couldn’t do this again- 

“I have class later,” he managed out, harsher than he wanted it to come out. Youngjae’s stared at him disbelievingly, eyes wide and Jaebum was forced to watch the twinkle in them die, watch his smile splutter and fade. 

“Fine, go,” Youngjae moved his hand away from his, avoiding his gaze. Jaebum’s hand felt awfully cold. “They should be home by now, Jackson called me a half hour ago.”   
Jaebum stood too quickly, the chair screeching against the floor, and left to change in a hurry.

~~~

“It’s cold. Are you sure you want to go out like that?” Youngjae’s nose wrinkled. He leaned against the doorway with crossed arms, voice quieter than usual. Jaebum looked down at his leather jacket with a shrug. The missing volume in his voice left a sharp sting in his chest.

“I’ve been a bit too busy to shop, so, yeah, I do,” Jaebum replied, lacing up his combat boots.

“Fine,” Youngjae sighed. “Fine. Where would you be without me?” He asked, slipping his hands under his hoodie to pull it off. The fabric rode up on his stomach, and Jaebum inhaled sharply. The smooth expanse of skin traveled higher and higher, until his tank top dropped and covered it again. He couldn’t quite figure out if he felt disappointed or not. Jaebum decided it was a trick question- he should have felt neither, but that still didn’t quench the small traces of disappointment in his mind. He really needed to stop this, whatever it was…it left his mind scrambled and confused and there was always a part of it that seemed to think about Youngjae.

He handed him his hoodie, and Jaebum, who was still in a bit of a daze, found his gaze drawn to the ink on his shoulder. Before, it looked like a line but upon closer inspection, the tattoo took on the shape of an anchor, and a ribbon of writing swirled around it loosely.

“Is that…”

Recognition passed through Youngjae’s eyes, and he glanced down with panic. When he lifted his head again, it was replaced with a distrustful frown, and Jaebum felt a pang in his heart. 

“A tattoo? Yeah. You aren’t the type to hate on tattoos, are you?” There was something about Youngjae’s tone that suggested that he came across these types of people quite often. Jaebum shook his head.

“No, of course not. Does it mean anything?” Considering his display of defensiveness, perhaps it was a bad idea to push, but the sudden curiosity he felt spoke without his permission. 

“Does it have to?” Youngjae answered simply, twiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

“No,” he answered, but the sudden melancholic look in his eye had him thinking that there was more to the story. 

~~~

He knocked on the door. The sharp noise echoed throughout the hall, and Jaebum wiped off his frozen hands on his jeans. There was something so dark about this dorm building- it smelled of stale cigarette smoke and marijuana, and Jaebum buried further into the sweet green apple scent of Youngjae’s hoodie. The lights buzzed and flickered, like they would go out at any second. He wondered why Jackson chose to live here. There was a sudden shuffling noise inside, and the door opened a crack, revealing an eye. Jackson’s eye, red as if he’d been crying. A wave of awkwardness hit him. 

“Hey,” Jaebum cleared his throat, hand jumping to the back of his throat. 

“What do you want?” Jackson’s voice was sharp. Jaebum itched to snap back, but he bit his tongue instead. He had been the one to break-up with Jackson after all, but did it really count, if Jaebum was heartbroken long before that day?

“I think you have my books. You might’ve accidentally taken them during the move…” He spoke in a low tone. Professional. Polite. “Is this a good time?” 

Jackson’s eye narrowed. 

It took a good moment until he barked out a, “Fine.” 

The eye disappeared and the door swung open, and Jaebum stepped inside with a grimace. The interior of the dorm smelled like a gas leak- he could feel his own lungs start to panic, and when his narrowed in to a stick in Jackson’s hand, he swore he felt his heart stop. 

“What the hell is that, Jackson?” He demanded, even though he knew the answer. He took a step back, squeezing his eyes shut- god, no, this couldn’t be happening. Memories rose and threatened to topple down on him- memories of when he was still a small boy with an itch in his lungs and Jackson was his haven away from it- “I didn’t take you for the stoner type.” 

“I thought you knew. Or, what, did you come to pick a fight?” Jackson mocked, taking another drag of his joint, and Jaebum gritted his teeth at his display of arrogance. Suddenly, he couldn’t recognize the shorter man in front of him at all. 

“I can’t believe you-“ he wondered if he did this on purpose, if he did it just because of him- 

“Your new lover didn’t tell you?” Jackson frowned. “Isn’t this why you broke up with me?” 

“Okay, what the hell is going on?” Jaebum raised his voice, hands shaking, and he balled them into fists to hide it. 

“Youngjae. He didn’t tell you that I stopped by? I came to get my stash,” he waved his joint, the poison smoke leaking from it and god, Jaebum couldn’t breathe, “because I forgot it, and you were sleeping on his lap, curled up like a damn couple,” Jackson bitterly told him. “Glad you moved on so quickly.” 

Everything clicked together. Nora’s escape- it was Jackson’s doing all along, hadn’t it? He probably forgot to shut the door behind him, and it could have been just an inch, but it was enough. His chest swelled with anger. 

“He really didn’t tell you, huh? What a sweetheart. I hope you two last longer than we ever did,” Jackson sneered.

He couldn’t help it anymore- the smoke, the way Jackson mocked him, his aggressive eyes- it was all too much, too overwhelming- and Jaebum swung his fist before he could stop himself. It sunk into Jackson’s stomach and he doubled over with a groan. 

“What was that for?” He demanded, the corners of his tears prickling with tears. His hand reached for the edge of his coffee table.

“For choosing drugs over me,” Jaebum spat out, voice shaking with anger. “For all the shit you put me through ever since we started college.” 

“Are you seriously mad at me because I want to _live_ my life? So what if I’m experimenting? It’s not like you _own_ me,” he stood, supporting himself by leaning against the book shelf. 

“That’s the thing- I never did, did I? Even when we weren’t on and off, even when I was yours, you were never mine, were you?” The lunch a few days ago flashed through his mind, but it was only one of the examples. He still remembered high school- god, he was so stupid- the problem existed all the way back in high school, when Jackson switched groups of friends every other week. 

“It’s not my fault you’re so damn clingy sometimes. I get it, I helped you with your stupid addiction in high school, that doesn’t mean I have to give you the rest of my time. Do you know how difficult it is, being held back like that?” Jackson was seething, gesturing with his arms as he yelled. 

“Then why didn’t you break up with me instead of stringing me along for a couple more years? If I was such a bother you should’ve just ended it, but I bet you didn’t think about my feelings, have you? I bet half the time you barely even thought of me,” he scoffed, feeling the beginnings of a headache pound at his temple. And in a way, wasn’t that all Jackson was? A headache? He thought of all the effort he poured into their so called ‘relationship’, the amount of care he gave but never received, the constant worry and fear that he would leave him. He wished he could tell his past self not to worry, that the Jackson he knew already left him a long time ago. 

“And I know you, Jackson. It was because you wanted an ego boost, affection, whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it, huh? Someone consistent to fall back on when you were bored, or lonely. You only stayed with me to satisfy your hero complex, right? Because being around me reminded you of how you saved me from the horrors of cigarettes? Face it, you only stayed with me because of the sheer amount of your own _fucking_ selfishness,” Jaebum finished.

Jackson stood still for a moment, eyes wide with a stunned sort of silence, and then there was a flash of anger and his fist collided with his jaw- pain exploded from the point of contact and throughout his entire body in waves. Jaebum clutched his jaw and stumbled backwards until his back was firmly against the wall. The air became quiet and tense between them, the sound of heavy breathing filling the room, and they stared at each other, festering in their past and their regrets and all the rotten things in between. Jaebum dared to speak up once more. 

“I can’t believe I was so blind.”

Jackson grabbed two books off of the couch and chucked them at Jaebum’s feet. “Fuck _off_!” 

He grabbed them and scrambled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, so it's been a while! i'm sorry i'm updating less often, december has been super busy so far. thankfully i got the chance to write this, but there's a bigger chance i might not be able to update again for another month or so. but worry not, i'm not giving up on this fic :3 (evenifitsreallyhardtowritesomeparts) hopefully after my exams i can go back to the normally irregular update schedule 
> 
> also, yes, i'm aware youngjae's tattoo isn't an anchor, but i just put that in there for plot reasons~
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter <3


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> worry not i am alive
> 
> here have chapter nine of angsty jaebum trash~

It was snowing. Again. A chill settled on top of Jaebum’s tense silhouette, but it didn’t claw inside of his jacket- Youngjae’s hoodie was in the way, like a barrier against the harsh winds. He mentally thanked him for letting him wear it, and briefly let his mind wander- the sliver of skin that Youngjae’s tank top failed to hide, the forlorn expression that trailed after him when he left the dorm-guilt seeped into his skin. He would much rather prefer the cold. 

The knowledge he fucked up again made his bones ache. 

Jackson didn’t come to mind- he didn’t regret fighting with Jackson at all, even if his jaw still throbbed. But that was alright, it only reminded him of all the things he couldn’t see while stuck in the past. His vision was clear now, and his reality was colder. As his footsteps stomped over the freshly fallen snow, he couldn’t help but compare Jackson to the winter. 

His smile was blinding, that was still something he couldn’t deny, but not like the sun. More like the glare of sunlight on freshly fallen snow- inviting, and pretty, but so fucking cold to the touch. He was foolish to think he could keep a house standing with flimsy promises. The house was ruined a long time ago. It collapsed a while back and Jaebum sat in it anyways, his head in a place where the spring never ended and Jackson never ran. 

But he did. And he was gone for good now. In a way, it was almost a relief. He spent so much time clinging, like a layer of frost on a forest, that he’d forgotten about the creeping spring. 

~~~

“Youngjae!” He called out, shaking the snow from his hair. “I’m home!” He wasn’t sure at what point he began to associate this place with home, or when he started letting Youngjae know he was there (it wasn’t like he cared, anyways) but it felt nice. Nice, because the words home and Youngjae together sent little waves of warmth through him.  
The dorms stayed quiet. It was odd, not hearing the familiar sound of Youngjae’s footsteps, or his voice- it made the dorm feel colder in a way Jaebum wasn’t ready to acknowledge.

Jaebum shrugged off his leather jacket (but not Youngjae’s hoodie), and crossed the hallway to look into the bathroom mirror. Sure enough, a bruise blossomed across his jaw- blue and tender looking. Jaebum didn’t care. As long as Jackson suffered worse. 

He thought of how long he’d been smoking pot underneath his nose, and felt an uneasy feeling in his stomach- Jackson wasn’t allergic to cats, was he? The fact that he hid something like this from Jaebum for so long hurt him more than any punch ever could. Jackson knew how he felt, and after everything he’d been through, he’d expected at least honesty- a closeness that he should’ve noticed wasn’t there. But how could he, when Jackson was always so far from him, even when they stood side by side?

The distant sound of a door quietly closing shook him out of his thoughts. 

_Youngjae._

Jaebum’s hands jumped to the bottles on the sink counter, looking for something- anything, that he could use to cover his bruise. It wasn’t that he cared how he looked- it was because he knew how Youngjae would react. He knew Youngjae would freak and jump towards the first aid kit, and after everything Jaebum had inconvenienced him with, he didn’t need to be further in his debt. The guilt still sat in his bones. 

Youngjae’s reflection stepped into view. 

“Oh god, what the hell happened to you?” 

And like clockwork, his eyes widened. Youngjae, all past conflicts and iciness out the window, rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned closer to take a closer look. Jaebum didn’t know whether to push him away or keep him close. 

“Nothing,” Jaebum grumbled. “Nothing.” 

And in an odd way, he wasn’t lying. Jackson meant nothing to him now- a bruise directly caused by him felt like nothing comparing to their past. 

“Come on, let’s get that fixed up.” Youngjae looked concerned and lovely- his fingers lightly dragged along his jaw. Like the night he kissed him. He wished badly that he’d gone further, so that it’d replace Jackson’s echoing words in his mind. 

He didn’t want to think about them. He didn’t want to think about Jackson doing the single most hypocritical thing he could’ve done- and most importantly, he didn’t want to think about his jabs towards Youngjae, or if they were true. But like most of his feelings, his doubt still stuck around like a stubborn winter. He didn’t want to voice anything, but doubt had a way of slipping past his tongue.

“What happened? That night Nora escaped?” His voice sounded tired against the sinking silence in the bathroom, the question tentatively escaped into the air- and Youngjae stiffened.

Jaebum’s face paled. He thought of his past awkwardness on the Nora subject, how stiff and unnatural he’d been then too- and gently pulled Youngjae’s hand from his jaw. He couldn’t think straight. 

“So Jackson was right, huh.” He sounded just as disappointed as he felt. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me-“

“But why is it such a big deal?” Youngjae interrupted, a bit exasperated, and Jaebum felt a painful stabbing in his chest- something he was becoming quite accustomed to ever since Jackson left.

“I mean- I’m sorry, that came out wrong-“ Youngjae stumbled over his words, quick to try and erase what he said- “I meant that, when Jackson came in here, he seemed so secretive. Way too secretive over goddamn pot. I kept pushing and asking why, but he finally told me _everything,_ and made me promise I wouldn’t tell you, so I didn’t.”

Realization hit him, like open floodgates- that was why Jackson was so bitter and upset about the breakup- _he thought Youngjae had told Jaebum anyways._

~~~

“Can I stay here for tonight?” 

Jaebum stood outside of Jinyoung’s door, a backpack in hand. His words were phrased as a question, but they weren’t, really. That’s what best friends were for, weren’t they?  
Jinyoung took one look at Jaebum’s gruff expression, to the bruise on his jaw, and stepped aside. 

“Thanks, man,” he breathed out, dumping his bag on the small couch nearby the door. Jinyoung lived in the same dorm building as Jaebum, except a couple floors higher- it was colder, but Jaebum could overlook that, for now. Despite having the same layout as Jaebum’s, Jinyoung’s dorm felt nothing like his own. It was exactly what he needed.

“Wow, you actually have manners for once. Who died?” Jinyoung poked his side, a playful lilt to his tone, despite Jaebum’s corpse-like expression.

“Me and Jackson.” Jaebum flopped down on the couch, awaiting a loud burst of triumphant laughter, but instead he was met with an open-mouthed look of concern. 

“…Jackson and I,” Jinyoung corrected. 

Jaebum rolled his eyes, but the weight in his chest lightened slightly- and it was times like these where he appreciated Jinyoung most. He was probably the only one in the world who didn’t expect him to cry on his shoulder.

Jaebum did anyways. 

He opened his mouth and a floodgate of emotions surged out- everything piled on top of him at once, crashing over his head like a stormy sea. He told him everything- Jackson’s betrayal and Youngjae’s knowledge- how both together was just so overwhelming- _Youngjae didn’t deserve to know anything about him._

Neither did Jackson. 

_But they did,_ and Jaebum wasn’t okay with it- Youngjae shouldn’t have known. It was unbearable to think that every time he touched him it was out of pity, that every time he looked at him he’d been seeing through all the cracks in his mask, past the careful layers he put on, and it poisoned a small ball of hope in him- Youngjae didn’t like him like that after all. Those gazes meant nothing. And it wasn’t fair- he wasn’t allowed to know him like that, not when the only other person who knew didn’t let himself be known in return-

He regretted ever talking to Jackson in the first place. 

There was something about Jackson's anger that made the whole situation that much bearable, it meant that maybe, just maybe, he felt _something_ about losing Jaebum- but he didn’t, after all, and in a way, Jaebum felt even more relieved. It was like gasping for air after breaking the surface of the sea, like stepping in a cool stream after years of running barefoot through the desert- like breathing in the fresh, spring air after years and years of a never-ending winter.

And finally, Jaebum was done- out of breath and tears dripping down his face, like he’d climbed out of the ocean. And Jinyoung said nothing- he sat and thought and let Jaebum’s words settle. 

Finally, he spoke.

“See? I told you Jackson was no good.”

Jaebum looked away. “But neither is Youngjae.”

~~~

Jaebum and Jinyoung had been in the middle of a movie marathon later that night when the door swung open. 

“Jinyoung, I got take-out for dinner-“ 

Yugyeom stopped in his tracks when his eyes fell upon Jaebum.

“What is he doing here?” He put down a bag on the table, putting his hands on his hips and staring down Jaebum with a livid look in his eye. Jaebum stood, spine rigid with the hostility to match. He rubbed a tear from his check with a fist.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Jinyoung jumped between them, hands at both their chests. 

“Calm down! Let’s not try to murder each other,” he commanded, looking at each of them with raised brows. Jaebum didn’t take well to being told what to do. Why couldn’t he murder this brat, who burst in out of nowhere and felt the need to provoke him? Jaebum’s done nothing to him anyways- but because it was Jinyoung, he slowly sat himself back onto the couch, nostrils flared.

“Fine,” Yugyeom watched with a clenched jaw, as if being polite was so difficult. “Then answer my question. Why is he here?”

“Yeah, Jinyoung,” Jaebum cut in. “What the hell?”

“Okay, okay, Christ! This isn’t a big deal, okay? Yugyeom is my roommate, and Jaebum is staying for the night. Happy?”Jinyoung snapped.

“No! Why the fuck- I don’t want him here-“

“Just for tonight, Yugyeom! It’s not like he’ll bother you,” Jinyoung stood across from Yugyeom, arms crossed. Jaebum wanted to object. He was sure his proximity alone would bother the younger anyways- for reasons unknown to him. 

Yugyeom opened his mouth to argue, but Jinyoung shook his head. “Stop that. He’s my friend, so it’s not like you get a say in this,” he turned to Jaebum and grabbed him by the arm, dragging him down the hall, “Come on. I’m dumping you in my room.”

“Where would you sleep, then?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

~~~

Jaebum was supposed to be asleep. Jinyoung had settled him into his room about half an hour ago, but he couldn’t drift off. Not with the voices that sank through the walls.

“You know how much I hate him, right?” Yugyeom spat. Jaebum didn’t know if Yugyeom knew about the walls being thin, but something told him that maybe he was taking advantage of that fact. Jaebum kept his eyes firmly shut, but his hands curled into fists under the covers. It was okay if Yugyeom hated him. It just meant he knew nothing about him, and the less he knew, the more at ease Jaebum felt. Shallow assumptions were easy. It was harder to deal with people who hated him for him. 

“What’d he ever do to you?” Jinyoung challenged, and Jaebum could imagine his face reddening with his hushed yells.

“He’s such a dick to Youngjae! You know how many times he’s cried over Jaebum? Youngjae is my best friend, okay? I don’t like when he’s hurt.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Perhaps they weren’t shallow assumptions after all. The guilt in his bones felt like lead now. He closed his eyes and buried himself deeper into the covers, pretending as if they wasn’t there.

Jaebum would hate himself too, if he were Yugyeom. 

“Jaebum is also my best friend. I can’t just let you hate on him, no matter how much of an asshat he is,” Jinyoung’s voice softened. “He’s hurting too.”

A sudden hush.

“Hard to believe.” Yugyeom’s voice sounded unexpectedly tranquil. “Maybe they just make each other miserable.”

Jinyoung chuckled, and something in Jaebum’s chest stirred. He knew that laugh, it was the very one he used to flirt with- 

“Let’s not let that happen to us, okay?”

“Okay.”

Then came the unmistakable sound of a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnng its currently two am and im dyyyinnnn
> 
> to anyone who thought i was giving up on this fic- sike
> 
> this fic is my literal baby, ive never written more than three chapters and im sure as hell not stopping here! :3 i love this 2jae trash too much 
> 
> sorry for the loooong wait, i was super busy with my classes. ive got like three of my worst classes in one semester c a n u b e l i e ve so i actually need to focus on school, which sucks? i'd much rather sit on my laptop and write 2jae, but life :c
> 
> im going to try my best to stay on top of my work tho <3 i missed you guys way too much!!


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a shitstorm get ready

Jaebum wasn’t surprised to see Jinyoung and Yugyeom cuddled up on the couch the next morning. Maybe a bit disappointed, but not surprised- Jinyoung hated spending time with people, yet almost every time he’d seen him, he’d been ‘tutoring’ Yugyeom. Jaebum felt a bit stupid. At one point, he should’ve opened his eyes and questioned how dumb the kid actually was. 

Standing before them on the couch, he felt tempted to wake them rudely, very tempted (Yugyeom was a brat, and it was Jaebum’s job to annoy his best friend), but there was something about the curl of Jinyoung’s lips that made him stop. He’d settle for teasing him later on.

Instead, Jaebum grabbed a pad of sticky notes off of the kitchen counter and scribbled a quick note.

‘thx for letting me stay here u asshole’

He wrote in his sloppiest writing, then stuck it straight onto Jinyoung’s forehead. Only a small snore escaped him. How suave. 

Jaebum snorted and stepped back to admire his masterpiece- his smile promptly died, when he caught sight of Yugyeom’s hand resting on Jinyoung’s hip bone. Something in his stomach twisted. 

_Youngjae._

He wasn’t sure why he thought of Youngjae, but, fuck- there was something so warm about the way the couple was curled up together, something warm that reminded him of the sparse moments of cuddles they’ve had. He thought of falling asleep in Youngjae’s lap and waking up to his wide smile.

He thought of Youngjae, waking up to an empty dorm, hurt and confused and cursing the hell out of Jaebum for running away. 

Jaebum wanted to slap himself. He wanted to go back and hug him until his bitterness melted, like Jaebum was his spring and he desperately needed the warmth that he always gave away. 

Another snore broke him out of his thoughts.

What was he thinking? Jaebum shook his head, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. It only stemmed from the guilt he felt, he told himself as he marched out the door. He’d apologize and drift away, and that would be it- he’d be spared from the hold Youngjae had in his head. It wasn't as if Youngjae liked him, either way- he only pitied his past.

Youngjae and his stupid kindness, and his stupid smile and his stupid tattoo- somehow even with the constant reassurance, his mind went back to him anyways. 

~~~

When he came home, he didn’t call out for Youngjae. He wasn’t about to go pretending everything was normal, he reasoned as he dropped his bag onto the ground with a loud thump. He was going to fix this once and for all, so his heart would stop racing when he saw him- so that he could live peacefully in the pile of his broken past that had yet to disappear.

He could hear Youngjae clattering around in the kitchen, no doubt preparing himself a breakfast (what a responsible fuck) and he stood in the corridor, waiting, hesitating. Should he? He felt the urge to tiptoe into his room, but it was too late, his bag made too much noise- so Jaebum stepped in. 

Youngjae didn’t acknowledge him. He calmly cut a green apple into chunks, but there was something stiff about his calmness- it reminded him of the way the waves tightened before a storm, the way the earth went still before an earthquake. He spoke anyway. 

“Youngjae?” His voice cracked, like the crackle of a newborn fire, so he cleared his throat and tried again.

“Youngjae.” 

Youngjae stiffened, like he was afraid of burning himself. 

“What do you want?” His tone was flat. Flat, like the waves washing out onto the shore. Jaebum moistened his lips with a nervous swipe of his tongue, crunching words in his mind- trying to formulate the best sentence. Youngjae whirled around, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. He’d never seen him like that before. It was almost as if he could feel the ground shake. 

Jaebum opened his mouth, but nothing came out- none of his apologies sounded quite right- and Youngjae’s frustration only seemed to grow. 

“Frankly, I’m a little bit sick of your dramatics,” he snapped. “You try so hard to be tough and mysterious, but you have no idea how it affects everyone around you. I’ve been trying so hard to get you to like me, Jaebum. So fucking hard,” Youngjae squeezed his eyes shut and his hands tightened into fists. And Jaebum stared, because he’d never seen Youngjae so thin on patience before- he’d seen him kind and caring, he’d seen his sweetest sides- but this seemed the realest, the closest he’d felt to him. Waves crashed further onto the shores- a rising, angry tide.

Jaebum had never been good at expressing emotions. He had rotten luck- no matter the situation, everything that came out of his mouth sounded insolent- but in this situation, it felt ten times worse. His heart pounded, and it felt as if the ground was about to split-

“Why try?” Jaebum rasped, taking a step backwards. He’d never been good with people. And Youngjae-Youngjae was the most intriguing person he’d ever talked to. “I rather you not.”

Youngjae looked rather annoyed. “You’re dumb,” he said. “You’re so damn dumb.” He took a step forward, and Jaebum took a step back, and another one, and another one- until Jaebum hit his back into the fridge with such force that the contents inside rattled. 

“You know why I try?” Youngjae was shorter, but he had so much presence. He strode forward, an intensity blazing in his eyes-grabbed a fistful of Jaebum’s shirt, and Jaebum didn’t say a word. His face burned and he could only pray Youngjae didn’t hear the way his heart thrummed. 

“Because I _like_ you, you idiot.”

And then he kissed him. He tasted fire- a fire that devoured the winter whole, burning the broken house in the woods into ashes and nothingness. Youngjae was the fire- he was the spring, the warmth, but he was also the cool spring wells and ocean trenches. Something in his mind screamed ‘too close, too fast’, but his heart burned for more contact, so he kissed back, mashing their lips together until the fire burned itself out and settled into a gentle spring. Youngjae pulled back, his gaze smoldering, and Jaebum closed his eyes and let the taste of the world falling into pieces dance around on his tongue. 

Perhaps he’d been right about Youngjae causing the earth to crumble. Jackson could never make him drown in fire like that. 

So he opened his eyes, and found he was close, too close- looking into Youngjae’s smoldering gaze was almost unbearable, with the way it made his heart beat and his palms slicken. So he did the one thing he could. 

“That’s too bad,” Jaebum breathed out. He swam out of the burning ocean and dragged himself onto the shore. “I don’t like you back.”

The smell of green apple still lingered on his clothes.

~~~

The snow melted the night before- its dampness lingered in the air, seeping into the earth like a darker shade of nostalgia, and leaving the ground in a soggy, marsh-like state. Jaebum kept to the paths. 

He thought about nothing in particular- about the way his feet carried him forward, even across the roughest terrains, about his leather jacket and how it felt better sitting on his silhouette with Youngjae’s hoodie underneath it. Warmer. Like the barest flicker of a flame. Thoughts of fire had no place in the damp scenery of the campus, he told himself, but found himself wandering towards the brightest colour in his sight. A red bench. 

There was nothing special about the bench- it was old and chained down, but something about it called to him anyways, so he sat and pondered. His hands ran over the rough, peeling paint, and he thought of himself exactly a season ago, where he sat in the same spot and chipped off the very same areas he now smoothed over.

He’d been a different person the last time he was there. Angry with Youngjae and reaching for Jackson- he was blinded and foolish, yet his problems just seemed to morph into bigger messes. He was also still the same person, in a way. The next time he’d be here, Jaebum told himself, he’d be at peace.

Hopping off of the bench, he wandered off of the path and retreated further into his memories. When he was a freshman (a freshman, like Youngjae), he’d drag Jackson behind the library and they’d kiss, hard- back when Jaebum still thought recklessly with his mouth and his fists- but these days he spent most of his time alone in his mind. A part of him wished he never met Youngjae. Another part of him couldn’t imagine never crossing his path. 

A faraway giggle flew by with the wind. 

Jaebum’s feet pulled him towards an invisible path, one he used to take daily- it looped around to the back of the library, where he found Mark and Jackson in a cloud of marijuana. He expected his heart to pang. It didn’t. 

He watched them laugh with each other, and remembered the times he’d laugh with Jackson in the very same spot- his laugh hadn’t changed at all. In a way, Jackson hadn’t changed much either- he was still the same boy with the hyena laugh, whose problems just morphed, just like his. 

Mark mouthed something, and they both burst into bright smiles. They weren’t all that different from him, Jaebum mused.

He was better off without Jackson, of course, but perhaps Jackson was better off without him too. 

~~~

Yugyeom waited outside the entrance to his dorm building. When Jaebum approached, he approached cautiously- there was a glint of something angry in his eyes. He had the sinking feeling that being best friends with his boyfriend wasn’t going to help much with this one. 

“Youngjae’s getting a bit fed up with you.” Yugyeom announced, when Jaebum came close enough. His heart stuttered, but he didn’t dare let his face contort with any emotion- he kept himself as neutral and nonchalant as he wished he was about the topic.

“About time.” 

“No- not in that way,” Yugyeom poked Jaebum’s chest roughly- roughly, but considering his size, not rough enough. Kid was all bark and no bite. “He keeps going on and on about your hidden good sides. Your only good side is when you stay the fuck out of his life, in my opinion. I wish he’d listen to me.” 

“He should,” Jaebum gritted his teeth. “I hate him a lot. He’s annoying. A nuisance. Not sure where he got the idea that I’ll ever like him back.” The words sounded awfully wrong coming out of his mouth, but it was too late and they hung in the air like stones, dissolving into the mugginess of the air- they felt unbearably clammy against his skin. Yugyeom went quiet for a moment. 

“Fine,” his finger dropped, as did the anger in his eyes- a pleading sort of sadness took their place. “Leave him alone, then.” For a flash of a second, Jaebum saw nothing more than a boy struggling to drag his friend out of the flames. A grudging respect for him emerged- and the thought that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t all that different from Yugyeom, either.

“Fine,” he said. “I will.” But not for Yugyeom’s sake- for his own.

~~~

“You’re back,” Youngjae commented, a few seconds after Jaebum closed the door behind him. Youngjae was swathed in masses of towels, sitting on the couch with wet tendrils of hair sticking to the sides of his head endearingly. Coco was asleep in the cat bed, and the smell of green apple filled the air- just like any normal Friday night. 

“Yeah.” Jaebum frowned, puzzled. Today wasn’t supposed to be a regular Friday night- he was expecting a tense atmosphere, another fight or two. He pulled off his muddy combat boots. Perhaps he misheard- maybe it was a disappointed ‘you’re back’ rather than a cheerful one. 

“Did you have dinner yet?” 

This time there was no mistaking the concerned tone- but he didn’t understand- how could Youngjae let things go so quickly? Jaebum straightened up, shrugged off his jacket and met Youngjae’s eyes with a steely gaze.

“Why aren’t you mad at me? I hate you, remember?”

At this, Youngjae shook his head. “You don’t.” He pulled his towel around himself tightly and pattered closer to Jaebum, hopping onto the kitchen island. 

“You don’t,” he repeated. “I haven’t done anything to you, why would you hate me?” Youngjae sounded too sure of himself, staring right past the careful neutrality of his entire being- Jaebum’s breath hitched. 

“Because you broke me and Jackson up?” Harsh, he was too harsh- he didn’t mean to come off as harsh, only disinterested, but Youngjae was closing in with his words again. He and Jackson broke themselves up. Youngjae was barely a trigger. 

“You’re just pushing me away,” he shook his head. “Stop that already, I’ve seen you. You’re not as bad of a person as you think you are,” Youngjae tilted his head, swinging his feet back and forth. And then came the dreaded- “I think I’ve got you all figured out.”

Jaebum’s stomach fluttered, because no one had ever bothered to analyze the way his soul was stitched together, but a pessimistic part of him wanted to scream ‘because Jackson showed you everything.’ Yet the furthest Jackson swam was the shallows by the shore, but never deeper, in fear of drowning before he sunk all the way to the bottom of the deepest trenches. Youngjae had no such quarrels. 

Jaebum looked away. “Assume all you want, but you won’t ever know for sure.”

“I don’t have to.” Youngjae smiled. “You’re still wearing my hoodie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jee jb is such an asshole (but assholes are so fun to write, i can't stop myself s o s)
> 
> also!! wow!! first 2jae kiss! finally!! i bet u all expected it to be rlly gentle and nice whoops
> 
> hopefully i can squeeze out another chapter by the end of the break?? we'll see miracles heppen. love you all!! thank you so much so sticking to this mess of a fic <3 i'll try not to disappear again but if i do you can yell at me


	11. 11

Jaebum was shook awake by gentle hands. He opened one bleary eye, then the other, and met Youngjae’s wide, apologetic eyes. Something in his chest jolted. 

“Jaebum!” Youngjae whispered-yelled, shaking him once more. Jaebum groaned, but strangely enough, his stomach didn’t fill with dread or annoyance- he didn’t glare or ask for another five minutes or push him out the door. Instead, he sat up slowly, rubbing his tired eyes into focus. Youngjae moved back to kneel on Jaebum’s bed, stature screaming with the eagerness to scamper. 

“What is it?” Jaebum croaked out. Youngjae’s panicked look stirred a touch of worry in him. 

“Can you walk Coco for me?” Was all he said, a sheepish smile adorning his lips. 

Jaebum stared. 

“Please, please, pretty please?” Youngjae pleaded, bringing his hands together. “I just remembered that I forgot to and I have class in a few minutes.”

Half of the words in his sentence failed to register themselves in Jaebum’s ears. His brain was sluggish and half tired, but the wake up wasn’t the reason why. His attention was captured by something much simpler- how nice Youngjae looked in the pale morning light.

“Jaebum?” Youngjae shook his hand in front of his face. “About Coco?”

His focus broke. Jaebum covered his return to earth quickly with a nod of agreement. “Right, right, okay,” he assured him, and gave a little half-smile at Youngjae’s large sigh of relief. 

“What an angel,” he breathed out, and before Jaebum could even register his words- he planted a kiss right on Jaebum’s unprepared cheek. A disarray of thoughts crashed and meshed together as Youngjae ran straight out the door- snippets of last night’s conversations, the subtle pressure of water enveloping his lungs, his ears-and the warmth of spring caressing his cheek. 

Quick footsteps thudded further away. Stopped. Came closer. Youngjae’s head appeared in the doorway, sporting a cheeky little grin. 

“By the way? Your bedhead is adorable.” He winked and tossed a green apple onto his bed. Youngjae’s footsteps pattered right out the dorms, but Jaebum’s gaze remained on the doorway, on the spot where his head had disappeared. His mind stirred slowly, full of his room-mate’s loud voice and the lightest feeling he’d ever felt weighing down on his chest. He took the apple and examined it- green, crisp- and smiled. 

Useless Facts about Choi Youngjae #4- He was far too caring and far too persistent for his own good. 

Jaebum took a bite. 

As he savoured the sour-sweet taste on his tongue, he decided that maybe, just maybe- he didn’t hate Choi Youngjae as much as he thought he did. Perhaps not at all. 

~~~

Coco was far too energetic in the mornings. Jaebum held him back with a groan- every second or so, he pulled towards a squirrel he saw running around in a tree, turned a complete opposite direction to sniff at a lamp post, or trampled all over Jaebum’s boots. Despite this, he found Coco quite cute, and when he thought the dog had finally tired himself out, he leaned down to pet his soft, white fur. 

“Good boy,” he cooed, and Coco wagged his tail happily. Jaebum continued to smooth over the fur on his head, over and over, until the little ball of fluff ceased all movement completely- briefly, he thought of Nora, of the similar, lazy way they accepted affection- eyes drooped and paws curled. 

In a flash, the fur underneath his hand was gone- Coco shot forward, pulling a stumbling Jaebum along with him. 

“Coco, stop it!” He yelled, wrapping the leash around his hand three times to avoid losing him- how did such a small dog have so much energy? “I take it back! You’re not good!”

The dog was almost strategic with the way it ran (probably after a squirrel, impossibly far away). It went around the campus in loops, sometimes circling the same buildings four times before moving on. Finally, Coco stopped by the back of the library, and began to dig at a pile of overturned dirt at the base of a tree. Breathing heavily, Jaebum stood beside him, hands on his knees.

“Wow,” he deadpanned. He’d been so convinced it was another squirrel. “I can’t believe I had to endure all that running so you could dig around in dirt. How does Youngjae even deal with you?” 

Coco barked loudly in response, sitting beside the mess he made with a proud tail wag. 

“Great job. You made a pile of dirt.” Jaebum came close to scolding him- but then he noticed what had been dug out. A small wooden chest, by the looks of it. Other than the dirt smeared on its surface, it looked brand new and out of place. Jaebum opened it curiously. 

Inside was a piece of crumpled up paper. A beaded bracelet. A polaroid photo. Jaebum smoothed out the paper curiously, letting Coco scrambled onto his lap- it was almost like he wanted to examine the treasure he’d found, too. The paper read: 

_Ten years from now, do you promise we’ll find this time capsule and unbury it together?_

Two sloppy signatures sat beneath it, beside yesterday’s date. And then on the back in a familiar writing:

_Message to future Markie-poo: I hope we’ll still live together in ten years, and years after that, because I can’t ever seem to get enough of you or your cute laugh. <3 MARKSON4EVER! Love u bro_

A dull shock overcame him- but just for a couple seconds, so he examined the polaroid photo to confirm his train of thought. In it, Mark kissed a grinning Jackson on the cheek, both of them holding up peace signs- a moment forever captured in time. He expected something bitter to churn in his stomach, or a twisting, foul grin. Instead, Jaebum smiled and tucked the contents back into the box. 

Some secrets deserved to be kept hidden.

~~~

“I can’t ever seem to get enough of you,” Jaebum mumbled under his breath. He wandered down the path back to the dorms, Coco trotted along by his side. Strangely enough, he didn’t bark or run around, almost like he knew Jaebum was too busy sitting in his thoughts.

“You, or your cute laugh,” he said. It wasn’t Jackson’s message that came to mind, nor his relationship with Mark- Youngjae’s cheeky smile that morning resurfaced in his mind, over and over, no matter how hard he pushed down on it- like a laminated memory floating on top of the waves, far too buoyant to be pushed under by a rough sea. 

Far too buoyant, but willing to dip into the deepest parts of the water- where it was so dark and lightless that even the ocean itself didn’t spend much time there. There was always a secretive element to the bottom of the sea, but secrets had a habit of resurfacing, no matter how many masses of sand kept it weighed down. Instead of facing them, it thrashed at the invaders in its shallows.

The revelation jolted through him so strongly that he had to lean against a nearby tree.

He was the sea- afraid of himself and afraid of intimacy, so he armed himself with harsh waters and pushed everything that could harm him back out onto the shore- even more vigorously, after the first diver had left a toxicity that had been infused in the waters. 

But it was gone now, it’d been burned out just days before. 

There came a point where the ocean needed tranquility. It couldn’t be turbulent forever- he’d been feeling the fatigue aching in him for a while now. Thrashing was difficult. If Jackson could let himself float again, why couldn’t he? Jaebum slid down the trunk of the tree and hit the ground. Coco knowingly turned his head and sat by his side, so he let his hand sit on the dog’s head and allowed himself to delve deeper. 

Youngjae- it was Youngjae he was desperately pushing out, yet despite his buoyancy, his presence had rooted itself in the ocean floor, like an anchor of warmth in the midst of cold, swirling waters. And in it, he found the secret of the universe, and it went something like this- he’d been drowning ever since he met the boy, but only because he didn’t know how to swim. 

~~~

Youngjae would be home soon, so he dropped Coco off and made his way to the library to catch up on his studies, conveniently forgetting his books. (Studying was a waste of his time- he just wanted a quiet place to let his thoughts settle.) However, when he walked in, he realized he probably should’ve brought the books anyways- Jackson sat with Mark at a table by the back. Jaebum took a step backwards, and another, but just as he was about to slip out, Jackson looked up.

The gaze froze him on the spot, but when Jackson gestured to the seat before him, Jaebum had no choice but to unglue himself and move forward. And that’s what he did- he took step after step and sat down at their table. They all shared tentative smiles. Jaebum chose to forget that the last time he’d spoken to Jackson, they’d argued with their fists. 

“Hey, Jackson, Mark,” Jaebum said. The air seemed too peaceful, too awkward comparing to the avalanches of their breakup. Mark looked between them, but didn’t say a word. Briefly, Jaebum wondered how much he knew about him, if he thought badly of Jaebum- if he judged him based on copious second hand words.

“I wanted to talk to you.” Jackson played with his beaded bracelet, eyes downturned. Mark stood, flashing a quiet smile at Jaebum. He let his hand linger on Jackson’s shoulder- a touch of comfort- before he slunk off behind the book shelves. Jaebum noted the matching bracelet on his wrist. 

“Okay,” he gave a slow nod, and Jackson finally met his eyes, a steely yet sort of apologetic type of determination in them- he had the type of eyes that would’ve made his heart skip beats months ago. But Jaebum was far past steely, bright winters- now, he was in love with the spring. 

“Look, I’m not gonna say you weren’t an asshole. You were,” Jackson took a shaky breath. “But…I was too. Maybe even worse.”

“You _were_ worse,” Jaebum reminded. 

“I know, I know- I guess what I wanted to say is that, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” he said, his eyebrows sloping upwards sincerely. 

Jaebum stayed silent. He thought of the last time they spoke- the intense argument, the fading bruise on his jaw- a result of years of forced togetherness that ended in a earth-shattering quake. Sometimes, the ground needed to crack, to spit out secrets and truth that would’ve stayed buried for eternities otherwise. He was foolish, for attempting to glue the cracks back together.

“I just wish you’d stopped pretending earlier,” he said. It was his way offhand way of apology and forgiveness- a wish for things to have ended better. Jackson cracked a smile.

“For the record, I did like you. But I liked other people better sometimes,” he admitted, shooting a shy glance somewhere in the bookshelves beside them, where he knew Mark hovered. And Jaebum wasn’t surprised- Jackson was the type to melt into affection, an attention-seeker, but the winter in his eyes seemed to soften and he knew, he _knew_ this was real. 

“Don’t make the same mistakes you made with me, okay?” Jaebum warned. Jackson’s head jerked back towards him, his eyes searching Jaebum’s carefully blank ones- if he was worried about Jaebum knowing of Markson, he had no reason to waste his energy. Jaebum had no intention towards gossiping. Secrets always found a way to shine through despite it. 

“I can say the same about you,” he said. 

And Jaebum’s secrets were no exception. 

~~~

Mark came back a couple of minutes later, a couple of books in hand. Jaebum sneakily flipped one open, his eyes feigning to be occupied while he tried to imagine what it’d be like to swim. They sat like that for a while, with Mark pretending his book hadn’t been stolen and with Jackson pretending he didn’t know how loudly he was muttering French vocab under his breath. 

“Ay!” Jackson’s voice shot into his ear, breaking him out of his mind. “It’s Youngjae! The room-mate squad is reunited at last!” Jaebum’s heart hiccupped and his hands jumped to his hair. 

“Sit, Youngjae, sit!” Jackson waved his arms around wildly. And sure enough, a slight turn of his head showed a floppy-haired, red-nosed Youngjae- one who was coming straight towards them. He wore a tank top and sweatpants, panting as if he’d been jogging in the cold again. Despite that, the lighting in the library seemed to brighten. 

“Hey, guys! Are you all studying?” Youngjae chose to sit beside Jaebum, shifting closer than was actually necessary- but Jaebum didn’t mind, not at all, and Youngjae must’ve known this- he grinned to himself as he rubbed the cold out of his arms. Mark and Jackson exchanged looks.

“They are,” Jaebum nodded at them. “I’m not.” 

“Yeah, Jaebum never studies-“ Jackson’s gaze snapped to Youngjae’s shoulder, “what the hell is that!?” He leapt across the table, excitedly grabbing Youngjae’s arm to examine his tattoo. There was a sharp intake from Youngjae- Jaebum could see the frozen panic in his eyes, the way he blinked jaggedly in attempt to thaw himself-

“How did I never notice this before? It’s so cool! What does it mean?” Jackson yammered on, paying no attention to Youngjae or his odd reaction.

“Uh, it-it’s just-“ he stammered, pulling his arm away from Jackson’s grip. Mark looked from Jackson to Youngjae, a question mark spinning over his head- but Jaebum knew he’d be suspicious in a second, if Youngjae didn’t save himself soon-

“It means nothing,” Jaebum declared instead, slamming his book shut. A finality fell onto the tabletop. Youngjae looked up at him- slack-jawed, wide-eyed. “I convinced him to get it after he moved in with me.” 

He gave Mark and Jackson a tight-lipped smile, then shrugged out of his leather jacket.

“You look cold,” he told Youngjae, and placed it over his shoulders. The folds of leather swished over the tattoo, covering it from prying eyes. He thought of the anchor- his stability in the chaotic ocean, and smiled. “Don’t tell me you’ve been jogging in the cold again.”

Youngjae looked puzzled but pleased. Awe warmed his features and his eyes glittered under the overpowering library lights- yet with the way he beamed, he could outshine every light source in the Milky Way combined. 

Jaebum liked the look on him- Jaebum liked a lot of things about him. 

He took one step further into the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes nothing more than writing character development after years of mind numbing angst <3 I was going to postpone this chapter a bit, but i couldn't resist my angsty incompetent baby and his newfound acceptance in himself and others, how sweet
> 
> fun fact: choi youngjae being a sunshine is contagious  
> also fun fact: every single major revelation jb has in this is directly caused by coco the more u kno  
> third fun fact: i dont actually know if coco has magic revelation powers just whenever i write jb brooding around i like to picture him brooding around with a cute fluff dog so 
> 
> i think i've decided to make about 15 chapters, but the number might fluctuate a bit, depending. it's so weird thinking about the end of this fic hnng- on one hand, yay finally i've accomplished something, but on the other hand its like,,,dang,, i'll miss all of u
> 
> but lets not think about that
> 
> next few chapters are going to be HELLA guys
> 
> HELLA
> 
> look forward to them ;3


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ur welcome

It was ironic, he thought, how he always ended up by Youngjae’s side. And here a few months back he’d been wishing desperately that their lives would never intertwine- yet they were, quite literally, intertwined, with Youngjae’s head on his lap and the sound of rain pattering against the windows. 

He wasn’t exactly sure how he got there. A flash of a smile, a weak-kneed feeling in his heart, a soft push towards the couch. Youngjae demanded cuddles, and who was Jaebum to refuse? 

It almost scared him, how quickly his iron will could melt, but it was one of the unavoidable side effects of exposure to warmth. 

Youngjae looked up at him with lazy, half-lidded eyes. “Hey. Relax,” he smiled, tugging Jaebum’s hand towards his head. “Your thinking is louder than the movie.”

His hair was just as fluffy as it looked, cloud-shaped and apple scented, so he carded his fingers through it and hoped he was gentle enough. Youngjae settled back onto his lap with a satisfied sigh. 

It was an odd sensation- to have Youngjae in his arms but not having him fully, just yet. The weight in his chest was gone- melted- but there was still a ghostly imprint that rolled along with the heavy skies. He knew it wouldn’t go until he took a few steps further.

He liked Youngjae. But he was also hesitant- he’d always had such awful luck. Youngjae was too good to be true. Yet he couldn’t tear his gaze away from his lips, which looked so soft in the muted light- it was a reminder of the last kiss they shared, fiery and passionate and he had completely fallen for him, now. Jaebum thought of a forest- a tree twisting as it grew out of a pile of ashes, up towards the sun. 

“Why do you like me?” He asked. He was rude and hard to crack open, but despite everything Youngjae still returned his blind hatred with something kind, something lovely- with rows of blooming greenery. 

Youngjae looked up with a small, “hmm?” His eyes deepened. They filled with pools that Jaebum knew very well- it was the look Youngjae got when he was thinking about him- when he dived deeper into the waters.

“Thought you were good-looking during my freshman year of high school,” he admitted, a shrug to his shoulders. “But something tells me that’s not the answer you’re looking for,” he turned and settled on his elbows- each one on either side of Jaebum’s face. Youngjae was laying on top of him, now, lips curled upwards and so, so irresistibly close. 

“I really started to like you when I saw the way you treated Nora.” Youngjae’s eyes softened. “You cared for her so sweetly, even though you tried so hard to look so badass, and that was it for me.” 

Jaebum was torn between kissing him and letting him speak. He didn’t know which was the better option, which was the worst- but he knew all he wanted was Youngjae- wanted him and his acceptance and all his little quirks- he wanted him so badly he swore he was about to sink his teeth into his own lip, with the way he was restraining himself. 

“But that just means I hated you. I hated you and I treated my cat better.”

“You didn’t hate me, dumbass,” Youngjae pressed a kiss to his cheek- soft and lingering. “You hated what was happening to you.” 

And like the sweetest pardon, he lowered himself completely and their lips met. The kiss was different- it wasn’t flames or fire, it was simply Youngjae. Just he and Youngjae, and they fit together like twisting tree trunks, coral reefs- like tectonic plates that smashed into each other and left the world shaking. For the fifth time in his life, Jaebum was falling, falling. Straight into the seas of change. But the water enveloped him- accepted him, held him up so he wouldn’t drown. He’d always been so scared of falling, because there was always something he could lose- 

But maybe, he suffered losses because he pushed away what he could regain. Because he was scared of losing them again, and again, over and over, as the good had a tendency to run from him- but Youngjae didn’t. Youngjae wouldn’t, because he’d learn to float along with the sea, instead of letting himself drown again. 

They broke apart for air. A moment passed between them, staring tenderly into each other’s eyes. 

“Choi Youngjae,” he whispered. “How could someone so perfect exist?” 

Youngjae’s eyes shied away from his. 

“I’m not perfect,” he corrected, and almost like he was desperate to prove it, he added, “I used to be really judgemental. Gossiped a lot in high school.”

Jaebum’s eyebrows shot upward- but he recognized the quiet plea in his voice. Acceptance. He craved acceptance just as much as Jaebum did. This was a new side of Youngjae- the darker one who wasn’t as loud but still retained an aura of warmth. Even in the murky ocean light, he’d shine like the sun. 

“That’s okay,” he cupped Youngjae’s cheek, shifting his face to level with his. “It’s okay.” 

They exchanged a quiet gaze. 

And even though they were flush against each other, Jaebum wanted more- he wanted something closer. He knew he shouldn’t have let himself speak, but his tongue slipped anyways.

“What does your tattoo mean?” 

Youngjae’s gaze clouded over. Jaebum wished to take back his words- he mourned the sudden loss of warmth.

“Right, I forgot I had to go. Hanging out with Bambam,” Youngjae climbed off of him with a careful air of nonchalance. 

“Who?” 

“That guy that was over that one time a couple months ago,” he shrugged on Jaebum’s leather jacket. 

Jaebum stared blankly. 

“Freshman? Really skinny?” He suggested, but when it was evident Jaebum still had no idea who he was talking about, he waved it off. “Ah, forget it. See you later.”

The door slammed shut. 

Jaebum stared after it wistfully, at the boy who helped him float but was too busy drowning to do the same for himself. 

~~~

“I’m so sorry,” Jinyoung gasped out as he slipped in to the seat across from Jaebum. “I was,” he paused, eyes flitting from side to side, “uh, busy.”

Jaebum resisted the urge to roll his eyes- did Jinyoung even try to hide the bruises on his neck?

“Of course,” he said knowingly. “I’m sure Yugyeom kept you very busy.” 

“Shut up,” Jinyoung flushed and smacked his shoulder. It was almost disgusting, how happy he looked. 

“You’re only saying that because I’m right,” he snickered, rubbing at his stinging shoulder. He didn’t quite understand the whole thing with Yugyeom, really, Jinyoung had the sketchiest taste, but with the way his eyes glittered under the library light, Jaebum decided that worse things could have happened.

“What can I say?” Jinyoung covered his smile with his sweater sleeve. “I love my giant man baby.” 

Jaebum gagged. If that was supposed to be cute, he completely missed the mark.

“Oh god, what have I become?” Jinyoung scrunched up his nose in self-realization, a look of horror spreading across his face, but he didn’t fool Jaebum- he lips were still slightly upturned. 

“A monster,” Jaebum grinned. “But,” he tilted his head, “I get how you feel. I guess.”

Youngjae. He thought of Youngjae. Jinyoung was able to read his mind in a heartbeat, eyes widening in surprise- surprise and a little something like glee. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying-?”

He silently screeched into his hands. “I knew it, I knew it, I _knew_ it!”

“I think I like Youngjae,” he confirmed. The words rolled out of his mouth easily- he liked how they caressed his tongue, like the sea falling against the shore. It helped to say it out loud- when the words left his thoughts his feelings became more solid, less abstract. “No, I _know_ I like him,” he said, firmly, and something fluttered inside his stomach. 

“And what happened to the whole ‘Youngjae is bad’ thing, hmm?” Jinyoung raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms in the infuriatingly smug way of his. 

“I was right. He is.” Jaebum looked down, thinking of the way his smile could drop him to his knees. “But so am I.” It was bad, what Youngjae could do to him, what he could do to Youngjae- and in a way, wasn’t that what love was? A weakness that neither party chose to exploit? 

Jinyoung understood- he could tell with the quiet way he thought about Yugyeom, made obvious with the shine beneath his skin. “Fair enough.” He leaned forward, eyes wide and imploring. “Did you confess to him yet?” 

“No,” he said, and he reared back in disbelief. 

“You didn’t-?” His face darkened, lips pursing, and Jaebum could sense a motherly scolding coming- to avoid it, he waved his hands around before Jinyoung could say another word. 

“I think he knows anyways,” he defended, but Jinyoung clicked his tongue. 

“You keep on making messes, don’t you? I’ve literally never met anyone with worse luck,” he whisper-yelled. “And I know a lot of people, Jaebum.” 

“What do you mean? Look, I was literally going to tell him today-” 

“Yugyeom thinks you hate Youngjae,” Jinyoung interrupted.

A pang. And suddenly he understood- his stubborn promise with Yugyeom, made during the height of his denial- but Yugyeom wouldn’t recognize denial if it slapped him in the face. Jaebum didn’t blame him, he was the same way. 

“Should’ve seen it coming,” Jaebum groaned, gathering his locks into fists. “I know where the kid’s coming from.”

“He’s beyond pissed,” Jinyoung warned, tapping on the desk to regain Jaebum’s attention. “He thinks you’re playing him, planning to hurt him somehow.”

A sinking feeling in his gut. “I’m not though, am I?” He wondered out loud. But the more he thought the more he doubted-just like Youngjae probably was. Wasn’t he hurting him? Dragging him around in circles like a riptide would? He was acting like Jackson had, fueling his feelings with affection and hints, ducking around everything that was too real, too hurtful. No wonder Youngjae ran after he’d pushed about the tattoo. It wasn’t in his place to know that yet- he needed to try harder. He’d promised himself he would be, but in his mind or with his words? At least Jackson had been aware of the effect he had, and in that way, Jaebum was worse than him. 

“I am,” Jaebum shook his head. His rampaging ignorance had Youngjae dangling by a string. He wondered how he survived there, swaying on a tightrope, reaching for someone who spent his past reaching for someone else. “He’s right.” 

“Then prove him wrong,” Jinyoung stated, as if he was giving Jaebum the secret of the universe. And maybe, in a way, he was. “I’ll try to hold him back, but god damn does he hate you.” 

Jaebum shrugged nonchalantly, but inside, his heart ached. It was easy for people to hate him when they knew nothing about him. “Nothing new. He’s got a good reason, at least.” He wondered if Yugyeom would learn to tolerate him if he let him see past the shallows. 

“You don’t hate him,” Jinyoung observed. “But you have a problem with him either way. Why?”

He took a moment to consider. He understood Yugyeom. He understood his recklessness and the way his consequences came last, always. Jaebum was once like that too. But in a way, they were also different- Jaebum’s consequences still lingered about him like smoke.

“He’s a smoker,” he answered simply. 

Jinyoung’s face remained passive. “I know that, Jaebum.” 

A strange feeling overcame him. It could only be described like the sea- trapped underneath the heavy pressure of his own making, hiding as the waves rolled above him, again and again- even past the changing seasons, the bottom of the ocean never warmed. 

“But I guess,” Jaebum thought of the toxicity that lingered about him and the way it left a bitter aftertaste in his lungs- the way the fresh spring air burned it all away. “Maybe I can learn to accept it.”

~~~

When he came home that night, Youngjae called him into the kitchen. There was something knowing about his tone, something giddy, and Jaebum had the slightest feeling that Youngjae knew exactly what he wanted to tell him. So Jaebum entered the kitchen- and froze.

A familiar black shape sat in Youngjae’s arms. It turned its little head and mrowled softly- Jaebum gasped. 

“Is that-“ He grinned widely, excitement bubbling in his chest. “Nora! My baby,” he cooed, scooping her from Youngjae and hugging her as tightly as he dared. She meowed into his ear and patted lightly at his shoulder, as if she were greeting him. Nora had a little more mass than he remembered, and her fur was fluffier and thicker, but he was too happy to question it- his cat child was finally home. 

“How did you- where did you find her?” Jaebum turned to Youngjae, who watched them with warm eyes. Nora pawed at his arms- he loosened his hug so she could jump out, and she circled him gratefully before stopping by her food bowl. 

“She was at Bambam’s,” he said, giving Nora a couple of head pats. 

“Who?”

“The guy I said I was going to hang out with- ah, forget it,” he straightened up, regarding Jaebum with molten eyes- not molten like fire, but molten like ice, warming into soothing streams. “Don’t you have something to say to me?” 

Jaebum bit his lip. He thought of Yugyeom, of Jackson- of how he’d treated Youngjae just like Jackson treated him- but mostly, he just thought of Youngjae. He pulled him into a hug, tucking his head beneath his chin and taking in the green apple scent that he’d come to associate him with. They fit together like tectonic plates, slotting into each other’s grooves and edges- Jaebum’s heart felt impossibly full. 

“Thanks,” he beamed. “For bringing Nora back.”

“And?” Youngjae pulled back, anticipation lined in the way his gaze swept across Jaebum’s face. Jaebum knew what he was looking for, and Youngjae surely knew what Jaebum was steeling himself to do. 

Jaebum took a shaky breath. “I’m difficult. And stubborn. And an ass,” he began. 

“I know that.” His arms opened anyways, settling on Jaebum’s shoulders like the sweetest encouragement. The air between them was charged with words Jaebum had yet to say and steps he still hadn’t taken. 

“Why do you like me?” He asked instead. Not because he was hesitating, but because he needed to know- was he a riptide? Would he pull him under or help him float?

“Because you’re not that bad,” Youngjae told him, still waiting, waiting- Jaebum was in his arms, but he wasn’t his yet- Jaebum thought of the swaying tightrope- he’d already fallen into the ocean and it was Youngjae’s turn. 

“What if I hurt you again?” Would he float?

“You won’t,” he shook his head. “You already hurt me enough.” 

“I’m not good for you.” A last ditch effort to save him from falling- but he knew it wouldn’t work. He wasn’t Jackson. He wouldn’t run. 

“I don’t want better. I want you.” 

And Youngjae let go of the rope. 

Jaebum caught him in a kiss- Youngjae’s arms slipped around him, and they melted into each other- like their highest crests ebbing into deepest troughs, like their darkest waters swirling together. The pile of ashes in the forest had long ago sunk into the ground, and in its place stood a tree with a thick trunk- in time, no one would ever know about the house in the woods. 

They broke apart, and before Jaebum could lose him, he looked him right in the eye. 

“I really like you, Youngjae.”

Youngjae eyes tinged with a gleaming happiness. “I know.” He booped his nose softly. “You have a lot to make up for.”

“And I will,” Jaebum assured, smiling a crooked smile. “I will.” He sealed his promise with a kiss. 

That night they fell asleep together- him and Youngjae, and Coco and Nora- floating on top of the ocean in his bed- and Jaebum felt like the luckiest man alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screams* i finally did it, the two dorks are together <3 and nora!!! ya'll thought she was gone for good right? sike (imnotthatcruel) (alsoihaveaweaknessforcutefluffyanimals)
> 
> nothing better than writing character development after years of mind numbing angst
> 
> just a couple things i gotta say- i've been super busy this past week or so, but finally the academic load has been lightened a bit so expect the next few updates to be more regular! i'm planning to finish this by the end of the month (and hopefully i will) because i've been working on this for a while now and its about time to wrap it up
> 
> also, the last chapter is gonna be a sort of epilogue type thing (translation: just an epilogue) just fyi
> 
> thank you all for reading and sticking with the story, i know it must've been frustrating to read angst about almost 2jae for like a millennia, but i hope this is all worth it <3
> 
> see you next upd8!


	13. 13

When the morning came, there was an inkling of doubt in him. It wasn’t exactly doubt- but more like a guilt, the same guilt that sat in him since his night over at Jinyoung’s. He thought confessing was enough for him and Youngjae, but waking up beside him made him realize- it only covered the festering guilt, but it didn’t wash it away completely. And here, sitting beside a sleeping Youngjae, is when it hit him the hardest.

Jaebum looked back at him. He watched his slow, deep, breaths, and the way his brows were furrowed with concentration- as if sleeping required effort. His presence was not loud enough to overpower his guilt, but it was still there- a quiet presence. Jaebum knew there’d be a trickle of Youngjae in his head no matter where he’d be.

Youngjae let out a small snore as a stream of sunlight fell across his face. Ah, so _that_ was why he always so bright- he spent every morning soaking up sunlight. With a fond smile, Jaebum laid down beside him and gently poked his cheek. 

“Youngjae,” he whispered. “Are you up?” 

Youngjae let out a small groan in response, rubbing his eyes, and Jaebum peppered soft kisses onto his neck to bring him back from his dreams. 

“Morning,” he mumbled. But Jaebum only replied with a caress to his cheek- he was too preoccupied with watching the life stir back into his soft, brown eyes. Youngjae took his hand with a smile. Together they laid there- against the backdrop of silky black sheets, beneath the warmth of the rising sun, where Youngjae glowed and Jaebum admired him openly. 

Youngjae’s t-shirt sleeves had ridden up. From beside him, Jaebum could see his tattoo clearer than ever- the anchor and the nautical colours that swirled into its distinct shape. Blue, green, turquoise. Like every part of Youngjae, it too, glowed. Jaebum traced it with his finger, over the lines of ink and the shape of the letters he couldn’t quite understand. Youngjae tensed underneath him. Not too tense, but wary, waiting. It bothered Jaebum more than he’d like to admit.

“I can’t tell you yet,” he spoke softly, as if sensing his prodding curiosity. 

A part of Jaebum found it unfair, how Youngjae knew everything about his past but wouldn’t share who he used to be, but another part of him sympathized- he was just like him, in the way they both kept secrets- Jaebum with brute strength and Youngjae with smiles. He could still relish the feeling of fighting for a piece of himself that would drown beneath the waves if he let go. He’d let Youngjae have it- if he pushed he knew his guilt would drive him into the depths. Jaebum’s lips lingered over the anchor, and he pulled his sleeve back. 

Youngjae smiled gratefully. 

“Do you want breakfast?” 

Jaebum was about to answer with a ‘yes, absolutely’, but then his guilt broke through the morning haze and he found himself unsure. Youngjae was always doing things like this for him- even when he was blind and angry, he still took care of him, loved him despite the whole world screaming not to. Letting Youngjae love him wasn’t enough. He deserved better, but there was no way in hell he’d let Youngjae find it in someone else- he’d emulate it himself. 

“Jaebum?” He frowned, nudging his side, but Jaebum didn’t reply. His mind raced with a sudden idea- dinner. A romantic dinner. 

"Are you okay?" 

"I need to go," he announced, scrambling off of his bed. If he was going to do this properly, he needed to start right away, because god knew he had next to nothing when it came to culinary talent. 

"Where?" Youngjae propped himself up on his elbow, watching Jaebum hop around as he attempted to put on his jeans. 

"Class." 

"I thought you never went to class," Youngjae’s hoarse morning voice called out, hurt and a little confused- but Jaebum was already out the door. 

~~~

Jaebum didn’t have much flair for grand romantic gestures. It hadn’t been much of a problem in the past, but then again, he’d never had Youngjae’s smile to worry about, either. He much rather preferred his selfish way of loving others- stealing their time and their affections and keeping them all for himself, but something about Youngjae made him want to try harder. And so he would. But there was one small obstacle in the way- he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. So naturally, the first thing he did when he left his dorm was text the one person that wouldn’t make ~~too much~~ fun of him for it- Jinyoung.

_need help. am coming over. sososos._

The reply came right away.

_wow, yes pls come right away its not like i'm busy or anything haha_

Jaebum took that to mean that Jinyoung had no life and his free time was obviously 100% dedicated to helping him, so he went right down to his floor and knocked on the door. 

"Jinyoung,” he said ominously, once the door opened and his friend’s unamused face appeared behind it. 

“Oh no,” Jinyoung groaned, taking a step back to begrudgingly let him in. “I know that look.” 

Jaebum feigned ignorance. There was no way Jinyoung could read his mind, otherwise he’d look delighted instead of so disappointed. 

“You better not be planning something stupid, buddy,” Jinyoung shook a finger sternly. Alright, so maybe he could read his mind only a little, but he didn’t know any of the details, yet- really, he hated how Jinyoung always assumed all his ideas were dumb.

"It’s not stupid. It’s romantic,” he protested. “And also, don’t call me buddy, unless you crave death.”

"Wow, _buddy,_ ” Jinyoung called carelessly, plopping himself down on the couch. Clearly he was going through something- instead of smacking him, Jaebum decided to show him some mercy. 

“You’re in a really good mood,” Jinyoung commented. He crossed his arms in his signature ‘I’m ready to judge you’ pose. “Fine, fine, I’ll hear you out. What is it?"

"So, get this-" He spread his arms, willing Jinyoung to imagine the scene with him. "It's midnight. Youngjae is tired and hungry."

"Wouldn't he be sleeping at midnight-?"

Jaebum shushed him. He hadn’t really worked out the kinks yet. “Anyways, guess who comes to the rescue with a romantic candlelit dinner? His handsome brooding boyfriend, that's who,” he finished with a proud smile. Really, he ought to receive endless praise for his plan- but instead his ears were met with a chortle. 

"Handsome," Jinyoung mocked, his fingers bending into quotation marks. A pause. Suddenly, Jinyoung’s mouth fell open in shock- 

“Hold- hold on, did I hear that right? You and Youngjae? Boyfriends?" He gaped for a couple more moments. "My boy, you work quick!" 

“I hate ‘my boy’ too, but it’s still better than ‘buddy’,” he mumbled underneath his breath. Jinyoung was still too shaken to reply, raking his fingers down his cheeks lightly as if he were trying to get his head around a mind-blowing concept. 

"A candlelit dinner,” he repeated. "You know what, Jaebum, your plans are usually as dumb as you are, but this one is actually,” he paused, scrunching his nose. “Good.”

Jaebum would be offended, but a small compliment from Jinyoung was rare, so he decided not to linger on it. “Do you see where you come in?”

Jinyoung let out a soft, 'ah.’ 

"You’re shit at cooking and need me to help you."

Jaebum snapped his fingers. "Bingo."

"The things I do for you," Jinyoung sighed. “I was just about to go out. You’re lucky I’ve decided to cancel all of my plans for you.” 

Jaebum decided not to mention his pajamas or his ratty bedhead. 

~~~

It had taken half the day to finish. He would blame his amateurish cooking skills, but he decided to blame Jinyoung and his constant need to distract Jaebum instead. (Really, who threw eggs at someone holding a knife? Unbelievable- he was starting to think Jinyoung had a death wish.) But what was done was done, and although Jaebum had an egg stain on his shirt now, at least he had a table full of dinner in his dorm to make up for it. 

"I owe you, _buddy,_ ” he thanked, picking up the last dish that needed to be transported to his kitchen. 

"You do, _buddy,_ ” Jinyoung huffed, and padded towards the door to open it for him. 

Jaebum slipped through and belted out his goodbye’s in the hall, along with a, “And don’t tell Yugyeom, I don’t want Youngjae having any clue about what’s about to happen!” 

“Will do!” Came Jinyoung’s reply, and when Jaebum turned his head back around, he almost jumped- Yugyeom. He had just turned into the hall, but there was no doubt he hadn’t heard him, with the way he glowered. Yugyeom pushed past him with a scowl, but Jaebum brushed it off- no, he wouldn’t let even Yugyeom ruin his plans. 

~~~

As Jaebum scurried around the kitchen, he decided that midnight was a stupid time to have a dinner. Midnight had a charm when spoken and thought about, but not so much when it was actually done- the food would be cold by then, and besides, the only appetite one would have at that time would be for sleep. Jaebum hid the daylight with curtains instead. 

Just as he lit the last candle, the door knob jiggled. He blew out the match and ran to the light switch, stringing curse words beneath his breath- the lights flickered off right as Youngjae stepped into the kitchen. He froze, Jaebum froze, the world froze- his eyes flitted throughout the room- and then he brightened. Jaebum felt like he could breathe again. 

"Jaebum," he gasped. “You did this?” He wandered closer, admiring his amateurish composition of candles, running his hand along the rows of light on the walls that streaked through the curtains. Jaebum leaned back against the counter, countering his flushed cheeks with a little shrug. 

"You're always feeding me, just thought I’d just return the favour.” 

Youngjae looked awfully pleased. "Aww," he cooed, pinching his cheeks. "I know for a fact you can't cook to save your life. Is this why you left so quickly today?" 

“Mhm,” he nodded, “so please at least pretend to like it, okay?” He pulled a chair out for Youngjae, who laughed in the obnoxiously adorable way of his- loud, silver-toned- it went straight to his beating heart and quickened it. 

"Hey," Youngjae noted, once Jaebum sat down across from him. "You remembered about the cucumbers.”

"I remembered," Jaebum nodded, reaching for Youngjae’s hand. How could he forget about a quirk so adorable? His fingers curled around Jaebum’s colder ones and squeezed.  
“You’re a lot more caring than you seem,” Youngjae commented. The candle flames made his eyes flicker in thousands of warm tones, illuminating the outlines of his features and casting shadows on others. “I wonder what else you’re hiding.” 

“I can say the same,” Jaebum murmured. He was always so open. What did he have to hide? Jaebum, the deepest ocean and Youngjae, the light that illuminated its depths. It was easy to look into the ocean once it was light and alive, but no one could look directly at the sun. And yet, Jaebum wanted to, even if he’d go blind. He wanted him to be his, to trust him with himself just as Jaebum had- his past, present, future. 

“I want to know more about you, every little thing,” he kissed Youngjae’s hand, looking up at him wistfully. It wasn’t fair, how he was melting in Youngjae’s hands but he wouldn’t melt in his. Youngjae blinked, considered- felt, thought. His emotions flickered along with the lights. Then, they met halfway across the table in a kiss.

Youngjae’s kisses were soft and sweet and he didn’t know what to do with them. Jaebum closed his eyes and let himself sink along with Youngjae- the flames tickled the edge of his eyelids. This kiss was vulnerable, soft, and it turned the two to mush, with the way their lips moved against each other- it was something different than any kiss they’d had before- deeper, as they both descended to the depths of the ocean with calm, steady breaths. 

And then it hit him- Jaebum hadn’t told him anything either. It was Jackson who did, who handed over Jaebum's affections- and those hushed whispers over Jaebum’s sleeping body hadn’t been enough.

“Okay,” Youngjae said once they parted. He steeled himself with a deep breath. “I’ll tell you.” 

The door opened with a bang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gasp, a cliffhanger, my bad! but worry not, the next update should be up soon as well. this isn't as edited as it could be, but i had to put it up before i got the desire to make everyone cry, oosp. i was rlly tempted to do something bad bc this is ch. 13, but i decided to spare all of u ~~for now~~
> 
> can u tell i cant write kiss scenes? like i sorta drown them in metaphors and analogies and hope for the best lmao 
> 
> psst btw thank u for all of you leaving rlly nice comments and kudos?? i think i passed 300 kudos and just ?? how??? y'all are so nice wth i love it
> 
> see u next update~~


	14. 14

Yugyeom barged in with a bang- "Youngjae!” He gasped out- looking around at their set-up, flames coming off of him in waves. “Whatever he’s doing, don’t trust him-!”  
The distance between them froze. 

"Again with this, Yugyeom?” Youngjae clicked his toungue, but there was an apprehensive look about his slumped shoulders- Jaebum felt it in his core, those three steps backwards. He’d seen it adorned on Jackson before. Maybe on Youngjae, mildly, but never this clearly. 

"It's a trick, Youngjae! Whatever he’s about to do- I fucking heard him-" Youngjae’s head swivelled to Jaebum- desperately seeking some sort of protest. His thoughts showed in the form of the flickering flames in his eyes- to listen, or to ignore- but there was an urgency in Yugyeom that Youngjae couldn’t ignore. So he turned towards him. 

"You're blind! You know how many times I've heard him talk shit about you? He said he’d never like you. He said he hated you. I don’t think those feelings are easy to overcome,” he spat, fists clenching, unclenching. 

Youngjae searched his depths for the answers he never thought he’d need to give. 

“Is it true?” His voice wavered. Six steps backwards. Youngjae held him with a burning gaze, one as deep as he’d just been enveloped in, but colder. 

Jaebum could fix everything with a lie. So much depended on his answer, but he couldn’t provide one- how could he, when Yugyeom wasn’t exactly _wrong?_ His guilt seeped into his features and his tongue sat like a knot in his mouth, heavy with the things he didn’t know how to explain. So, like a sculpture of ice, he looked away instead.  
And something in Youngjae broke. His smile fell to pieces, and it reverberated through Jaebum like a tree crashing against the forest floor. Youngjae pushed his chair back.

"That's why you did this. You don't care about me at all, do you?” He stood shakily, patience and perseverance crumbling atop his shoulders like a little house in the woods once did. “No wonder you pushed to know me so much. You just wanted to break me." 

Jaebum was never good with words. Even when his sunshine exterior cracked and splintered under the knowledge that he knew nothing about Jaebum at all, and he never would, not to the extent he thought he did- he couldn’t say a word. How could he tell him to ignore Yugyeom, when really, it was better for him to listen in the long run? He knew they wouldn’t last. Youngjae was bound to drown with him. It was stupid of him to avoid thinking about how distorted light was under the ocean waves, about how rusted the anchor beneath the sea was.

“And to think I trusted you,” Youngjae whispered, and that was all the invitation Yugyeom needed. He charged towards him, pulled him up roughly by his shirt- one punch, another- each felt like a pound in his aching heart. Jaebum's face stung but like a magnet, his eyes landed on Youngjae- Youngjae, who looked like he was about to cry. Youngjae, who was patient and kind but had cracks in him that were bound to split open. Youngjae, who, even on the brink of tears, was Jaebum's favourite thing. 

Through his fatigue, he pushed Yugyeom off of him. “Let the _fuck_ go,” he hissed. “You know nothing about me-“ but Yugyeom was quick to retaliate, pushing five times harder. Jaebum crashed onto the hard ground, like the tree, like the house, with colours blossoming across his face and his past wounds aching- but Yugyeom didn’t relent, climbing on top of him and angling his fist once more-

"Stop," Youngjae finally choked out. 

"Why? He's an asshole." Yugyeom growled in his face, all teeth and bite and no bark at all.

"Yeah, but you aren't." 

Jaebum’s face throbbed- the places Youngjae had kissed him before throbbed even more. Even when broken, Youngjae was still too kind. He deserved exactly what he was giving him. Yugyeom stepped off of him, looked down at his handy work- and Jaebum looked back and saw himself.

Yet there was a difference: Yugyeom held out a hand. A begrudging act of remorse, because somewhere in him, he was just a boy that wanted to keep his friend out of the fire, even if it meant dousing it. But Jaebum was never dousing the fire, he was always engulfed in it, burning everything good to ashes. He’d never offered a hand to those he pushed down before. 

“No,” Youngjae snapped, smacking his hand away. “Let him stay where he belongs.” 

And after a long, lingering look, Yugyeom gave a curt nod. “Fine,” he said, breathing heavily- then he turned on his heel and left. But Youngjae stayed. He crouched down beside Jaebum and looked him in the eye, scoffed coldly, even if his eyes still watered with tears. Jaebum had never felt so cold.

“Yugyeom was right about you. Playing with me like that? You’re worse than I ever was.” He leaned over him- the cold and the hurt in his eyes swam in his eyes like icebergs in a churning sea- and Jaebum blacked out. 

~~~

When he came to, the dorm was dark and quiet. The hum of the heater could be heard, and everything was shrouded in darkness- even the lights from outside couldn’t get through the curtains. However, the door was open just an inch to let in a strip of light from the hallway. The candles had gone out, leaving behind smoke tinted with green apple. Jaebum’s stomach churned. He was propped up against a pile of pillows on the couch. For a moment, his heart skipped a beat- did Youngjae drag him there? –but Jinyoung’s face peered at him from around the corner instead. 

“Oh, thank fuck, you got up quicker than I thought you would.” He sat down beside Jaebum, gently patting his forehead. At this angle, the light from the hallway fell across his face, revealing his glittering eyes and tear-stained cheeks. At once, Jaebum knew he wasn’t the one he’d been crying over. He wasn’t banged up too bad- he still hurt, but the physical aches couldn’t compare to his emotional ones. 

“I tried…” he gulped, “I tried to tell him you weren’t doing anything bad, but he took off and- I couldn’t stop him.” 

Jaebum slowly shifted into a sitting position, letting out a slow groan. “Everything is ruined now.”

“Tell me about it,” Jinyoung scoffed. 

“He slipped out of my grasp. Just like Jackson,” Jaebum whispered hoarsely, running a hand through his hair. It was so easy to blame the world. But inside, he knew it wasn’t the world- it was just him and his rotten luck, which spread like a forest fire and burned everything to ashes. Their splitting was the aftermath of a forest fire. “But this time it was my own fault. I fucked myself up,”

Jinyoung glanced over at him, misty-eyed. “You’re not the only one who got fucked up, you know.” His eyes glazed over as he stared at the stripe of light on the ground. “I got dumped today, Jaebum.” Empty. 

“Oh.” 

And so they sat there, both staring at that stripe of light- how limited it was, comparing to what they could have had- a whole room flooded with light. But in a way, it was the last of what they both used to have. 

Jaebum wasn’t sure how long they sat there. Time seemed to slip away both too quickly and too slow, and at one point Jinyoung padded over to the door and closed it, then disappeared into Jaebum’s room. With nothing to stare at, he gazed up at the ceiling instead. He felt heavy. He felt too heavy splayed against his cushions, looking up at something too far for him to reach.

He _was_ heavy, too heavy with scars for him to float. 

Jaebum loved Youngjae, but he was just no good. Curse him for existing, for accepting him fully and then leaving Jaebum to watch the sand of time trickle between his fingers- for dashing away from the sandy desert that was too dry for any growth. Curse Youngjae for causing him so much misery- for showing him light and warmth and snatching it away at the last second. But he was no good either- curse himself for dragging everyone to the bottom of the sea to drown along with him. 

From their very first kiss, he should’ve known they’d be ill-fated. 

~~~

He woke up with Nora curled against his chest. Jaebum scratched behind her ears, taking comfort in the way she purred and nuzzled against him- with five times more affection than she normally did. He was almost surprised that she was here and not somewhere on the other side of the door, which had been opened for a good few hours the other night.

“Lonely, hmm?” He commented. “Youngjae took Coco with him?” 

At Coco’s name, Nora’s tail drooped. Jaebum chuckled sorrowfully. Yet another touch of bad luck- he dragged Nora and Jinyoung to the bottom of the sea, too. 

“I feel the same.”

~~~

A couple hours after swallowing the pain medication that was left on the coffee table, he stood. The healing must’ve taken up quite a bit of his energy the night before, because his stomach growled loudly. Jaebum stopped. He was never hungry in the mornings. 

He decided to eat a green apple. 

~~~

The bathroom mirror showed a gaunt man. Jaebum had a black eye to match his jaw bruise, along with a scattering along his cheeks, his stomach. They stung when he touched them. Yugyeom got him good, that much was clear. Maybe he shouldn’t have underestimated him. 

Jaebum gripped the counter tightly, glaring at himself, at who he had become. He wanted to be the person he was before he met Youngjae. But he wanted Youngjae more. 

Jaebum turned on the warm water, let himself be enveloped. Then he closed his eyes and mourned. But he’d mourned too much in his lifetime. So instead, he stepped out and pulled out his hair gel. 

~~~

Jaebum pulled on a tight tee and his skinny jeans, put on his entire row of ear piercings. Behind him, Jinyoung was still passed out on his bed, so he took extra care to make no noise. He deserved to rest. After his leather jacket and combat boots, he felt a little more like himself- a little more stabilized, a little more accepting of who he was to become. He left his dorm with a very clear purpose in mind. 

~~~

The library wasn’t far, but the walk felt like forever, with the way people stared. He knew what they saw- Im Jaebum, with his piercings and bruises and strong stride, who had just been bested in a fight. And while it was true, it also wasn’t. It was easy for people to assume things about him, but the key, as Jaebum had learned, wasn’t to let it happen- not with the people who cared.

~~~

Yugyeom looked shocked when Jaebum sat across from him- shocked that he was out and about so quickly. But he didn’t waste time or let Yugyeom have the first word- he leaned across the table and got straight down to business.

“Where is he?” He demanded, just to set the tone of what he wanted to say. He knew where Youngjae was. He was holed up in Yugyeom’s dorm, doing the same as Jinyoung was. The thought of an upset Youngjae made his fists clench underneath the table. 

“Why do you care?” Yugyeom soured, but Jaebum only leaned closer with a snarl. 

“Don’t be a brat. You know, I can mess up your face just like you messed up mine, for what you did to Jinyoung,” he lifted his chin, regarding him with a sharp glare. “I could, and I wouldn’t feel an ounce of regret, either. But I won’t.”

The kid looked a bit frightened. Jaebum thought of the man he saw in the mirror, imagined him snarling and angry- so many had seen that side of him, but unlike those times, this was necessary, so he kept going. 

“Fuck you. Fuck you for doing what you did to me. But fuck you more for hurting Jinyoung. Why the fuck did you do it?” 

Yugyeom rolled his eyes in an attempt to regain some of his composure. “Why I beat you up? Maybe it had to do with the fact that you were using Youngjae? Because you hated him, but you never hated him to his face?”

Jaebum waved away his answer. “No,” he sighed exasperatedly. “Why did you break up with Jinyoung? That had _nothing_ to do with me, and you know it.”

Yugyeom’s eyes lowered. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Something in Jaebum reared its head- something determined and hot-headed. He let it push. 

“You do.”

“He was scheming with you-“

“Bullshit. Thought you didn’t know what I was talking about?”

Trapped in a corner, Yugyeom fiddled with his pen nervously, eyes flitting around for answers, a way out, but Jaebum pushed harder. 

“Secrets,” he hissed, “have a way of revealing themselves. I suggest telling me now, before I change my mind about using my fists on you.” 

“Alright, alright!” Yugyeom burst out. A study group sitting across the room shushed him. Squirming, he sunk in his chair, face red. He looked like the freshman that he really was- vulnerable without his usual attitude.

“I,” he started, stopped, took a deep breath. “I’m in love with Youngjae.” 

Jaebum drew back. But somehow, there was no spark of surprise, no desire to hit him. He understood. Youngjae was like a light no moth could resist, but that didn’t make anything okay- but it all made sense, now. Why he’d had something against him right from the beginning. 

“Okay,” he gritted his teeth, but spoke calmly. “And do you want to know _my_ secret, Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom pursed his lips, nodded. 

" _I’m_ in love with him, too. Denied it to hell, last I spoke to you. That night, when you burst in? You interrupted a dinner date, kid. One that I planned with Jinyoung.”

A quiet realization hit Yugyeom. Jaebum saw it in the way it dawned in his widening eyes, the way his fidgeting froze. “I’ve made a mistake,” he whispered.

“Damn right you did,” Jaebum stood. His chair scraped across the tile loudly. “Tell him to meet me at the high school tonight. Maybe then I’ll forgive you.” 

And with that, he turned on his heel, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *leaves a cliffhanger* *promises to update quickly* *does not update quickly* haa ha oops my bad
> 
> this chap is sorta a part two of the last one, but it was sooo looong, hence why i had to cut it at the cliffhanger ^^ hope this is worth it tho?
> 
> also i am so sorry to the jingyeom shippers?? like i didn't even plan this, i was just typing along and then i was like !! aha an idea! and then i went along with it because it just worked far too well to ignore it. 
> 
> funfact, u kno that scene where yj was like 'leave him' and yg was like 'y hes an ass' and yj was like 'bc ur not'?? that was planned since the very beginning and it felt so satisfying to finally write that out wow


	15. 15

Jaebum sat on top of the shed that started it all- the one he fell off of so many years ago. It was so comically small, now. He could jump on top of it without any effort at all. And to think, there used to be a time he struggled to reach the top. 

Part of him regretted coming here. The night air was soothing, the wind was cool, but the place was saturated with a nostalgia so heavy it formed a lump in his throat, pressed along his shoulders- this was the air he used to breath, the spaces he used to haunt. Toxicity lingered around every corner, but he wasn’t choking anymore. It was peaceful to breathe, peaceful, in a way, to look back at his past struggles like they were nothing at all. 

Was it normal to mourn memories? They danced around his old dwellings like wispy clouds of thought, even if there was nothing good left for him here- here, the root of his misery and the beginning of his demise, but watching the ghost of himself made his chest twinge. Then, the sun used to shine on his scrawny, pink head. Now, he sat in the dawning night and watched his past self struggle. How simple everything used to be. How easy being miserable had been. None of it compared to what he drowned in now- he’d escaped, but the very same problems looped back around, ten times more painful, yet all he could think was- _at least he’d known Youngjae._

A soft breeze caressed the grass, yellowed from generations of cigarettes stomped into the ground. Jaebum remembered the exact spot where he broke his arm, could see it clearly in his head as if it happened yesterday- the times he fell, the times his friends caused him nothing but trouble, the very first time he used his fists. If only they could see him now. 

He stared off into nothing at all, into the only parts of the world he used to know, until a warm shape took form next to him. 

“Well? Youngjae demanded. Jaebum’s head swiveled over- to Youngjae and his bare arms, his bared scowl. He was angry and tired, and it showed through the blue stamped beneath his eyes, through the way he crossed his arms- but he was there. 

"You came," he said matter-of-factly. Now that Youngjae was sitting beside him, he felt his tongue tie- the whole day was spent laying on the couch, tossing and turning and thinking of what to say, but in front of Youngjae, all of it seemed impossible. But somehow, sitting at the place where he used to think his world was ending, he could force his tongue to unknot anyways. Perhaps if he forced it all those years ago, he wouldn’t be having such a problem. But he wouldn’t have been here with Youngjae, either. 

"Yeah. I wouldn’t have. But he insisted." Youngjae elbowed his side, but not too harshly, because Youngjae was never too harsh. “Well?”

Jaebum swiped his top lip with his tongue, dropping his gaze to his lap. “Yugyeom likes you, did you know?” 

“That has nothing to do with us,” Youngjae crossed his arms. _Us._

“Did you know?” Jaebum prompted. It wasn’t fair of him, he knew, when their relationship was on a line- but he needed to know if Youngjae could still be his- if Youngjae still wanted him. 

And Youngjae gave in. “He knows the feelings aren’t reciprocated. Why do you think he tried to move on with Jinyoung?”

Jaebum looked into the distant parking lot. He remembered the way the sun shined on the masses of cars, the way it kissed the ground that Jaebum always stumbled on, how everything smelled of dust and dirt- like a never-ending desert. He wished he could tell his past self that he’d stumble out of it eventually. That so would a few others. 

“He’s not a bad kid, I guess,” Jaebum pondered, touching his bruised jaw with a gentle finger. “He’s better than me.”

Youngjae clicked his tongue. “Show me why he’s not.”

At this, Jaebum’s head jerked towards him- stared at the fierce determination in his eyes, ablaze with anger and something else- searching for a reason to give up. Jaebum could easily give it. But in doing so, he knew he would hate himself- Youngjae was still in his reach, somehow, and Youngjae was all he’d ever wanted. 

“Fine,” Jaebum said. “Fine. I’ll start from the beginning.” He gestured to the shed they sat on. 

“It started here?” Youngjae asked. 

“Yes, here.” Jaebum sighed- his words were slow, his thoughts even slower- he strung his words together carefully, because these words, he knew, could easily break them. “I used to be friends with some shitty people.”

“Jackson told me this,” Youngjae interrupted.

“Yeah, well, you need to hear it from me. What’d he say, anyway?”

“The cigarettes. Your attachment to Jackson. That your friends pushed you around, so you learned how to push back- but you took it too far and you pushed away _everyone_ except for him,” he fiddled with the hem of his muscle shirt, and his fingers fumbled as if he were trying too hard to distract himself. Jaebum only nodded. Every word Youngjae spoke added to the lump in his throat, the one that felt like rock, so he didn’t dare look at him- not until he could tame it.

“He said,” Youngjae took in a shaky breath, “he said that I should be careful, now that you two weren’t together. That you wouldn’t appreciate me flirting with you. That you’d do something to hurt me, because you’re still pining after him. He told me to just give it up. Everyone told me but I never listened. I should’ve. I still could.” Youngjae’s voice wavered with doubt, trembling like the ocean during an earthquake. 

“He wasn’t exactly wrong,” Jaebum scoffed. “But by then, I was already falling for you. He didn’t know it, I didn’t know it- but I think you did. “

Youngjae bit his lip, gazing at the grass sadly. “What do you mean, he wasn’t wrong?”

“Jackson, he was the only one who stuck with me. So I stuck with him. I stuck with him because he kept me away from those guys, from the damn cigarettes and he let me breathe again. Understand?”

Youngjae nodded.

"But years passed. He soured. Or I did. Or maybe we both did. I think I always knew, deep down, that I needed to let go. But I never did. And god, did he hate that.”Jaebum fists curled. He kept them on his lap, digging his nails into his palms, but not because of Jackson- because of how blind he was, holding onto something that had never been his in the first place. 

“He began flirting around. Avoiding me. But I kept him with me. College happened. I talked him into being my roommate, so that even if he ran, he'd eventually have to come back home to me, you know? I was still in love with him even if he didn’t love me back. But I was in love with the old him, the one who helped me off of the ground that day.”

“And?” Youngjae pursed his lips together, pretended as if his eyes weren’t welling with tears. Jaebum wanted to stop and take him into his arms, but he couldn’t- every part of him screamed to keep going, to break out of the loop of misfortune. 

“I was convinced that if I tried a little harder, just a little bit, he'd be mine again. That it would be just like the good times again. But I’ve out grown that. I wasn’t like that anymore. I should’ve realized but I was stuck,” Jaebum paused to look at Youngjae with softening eyes, “and then you came along.”

“I hated you. I hated you so damn much.” Jaebum’s voice shook. “You were just a dose of bad luck to me, because you were the one who made me realize I had to let Jackson go forever, the one good thing I had, even if it wasn’t good anymore.” His hand shook, too. How pathetic he was- a washed out version of his high school self, clutching onto a lie so hard he harmed everyone around him. 

“And that’s what Yugyeom was referring to?” Youngjae jerked his head in recognition, rigid like ice. Jaebum could lie, easily, to make him melt- but that wasn’t fair. So he gave a single nod. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it was. I hated you, but you liked me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.” Youngjae looked back down, his gaze the texture of glass. 

“It’s so hard to hate you, Youngjae. I couldn’t do it.” The lump in his throat made it increasingly harder to speak, but he spoke anyways- he needed it. They both did. 

“I clutched onto Jackson more than ever, onto my past- because he was so fucking different and you were so fucking different and you were right, I don’t like to change. You were everything I didn’t deserve. And you were such a big change.” 

“Until I wasn’t,” Youngjae snapped. “You got used to me, is that that?”

“No,” Jaebum shook his head. “No, here- look at me,” he took Youngjae’s cheeks, turned his head to him, looked him sincerely in his eyes. “I started to _like_ you,” he choked, trying to suppress his flow of tears. 

“But I wasn’t ready to admit that to myself. So I let go of Jackson but I couldn’t let go of what he left, this faux hate for you. Until you forced it. Kissed it away. And then I saw Jackson, saw him acting exactly how he used to- happier, it pushed me to let go completely. If he could be happy, why can’t I? And when I let go, Youngjae- I felt like I could breathe again. _You_ made me breathe again.” He let his hands drop, eyes squeezed shut- he was scared, so scared- he gave Youngjae himself and he knew he could break him in half a second if he wanted to. And he couldn’t stop it, no, because if he did, they’d be even.

“But Yugyeom thinks that’s not the case, hmm?” 

“No, he mistook that denial for cold-hearted hate.” 

And then he fell silent. All that was left was to hope Youngjae saw him for what he really was- bruised and brooding, trying his best to break out of a wall shaped by years of false necessity. He watched Youngjae watch the night sky, eyes as deep as oceans- just like whenever he thought of him.

And finally, he gestured to the tattoo on his shoulder. 

"It reminds me that I have weight,” he said simply. 

“Oh god, Youngjae,” he put his hands on Youngjae’s shoulders, let them drop down his arms. “You have no idea." His weight was like gold. 

“In ninth grade, everyone ignored me. And all I ever really wanted was for people to know me,” he smiled bitterly. Jaebum found it hard to believe, Choi Youngjae and his bright laugh and his in-your-face smile.

“So I made my voice heard in the only way I knew how. I gossiped, I schemed. Spread rumours. I almost lost Yugyeom, then, because he couldn’t handle watching me turn into something we both hated. And one day I woke up and I had no one.” Youngjae inhaled shakily, pulling Jaebum’s hand to his cheek, damp with tears. Jaebum wiped them off as best he could.

“And from that day- you don’t understand how fucking cold I felt. I was hit with the reality that my words had weight, that I had weight, that my existence had weight- because the things I said toppled people over. So I got this tattoo, to remind myself. I didn’t want my weight to be so shallow.” He placed his hand on Jaebum’s, curling them around his fingers in a way that went straight to Jaebum’s heart.

“So you understand why I believed Yugyeom? I was afraid he was right, that Jackson was right, and then you pushed so hard that I finally cracked. I thought it was karma- why wouldn’t you hurt me? Why _wouldn’t_ you hate me?” Youngjae sobbed out. 

“I don’t, I could never-“ 

Youngjae pushed himself onto Jaebum- their lips crashed together and it felt right, like the waves crashing onto the sea shore, taking with it all the footsteps that marked its shores- all the guilt, all the secrecy. A fresh start, akin to a forest of toxic ashes, burnt to the ground only to bud and grow again. It felt right, with Youngjae in his arms, with Youngjae anchored into his heart, his subconscious- the anchor was cracked and rusted, but it worked just fine under the pressure of the sea, under the pressing night around them. 

Youngjae shined like the sun, and he loved him more than he loved anything. His touches were blazing, but Jaebum didn’t burn. He took everything he gave him and returned it, even if Youngjae toppled over people- because he toppled over his walls, the house in the drying woods that had long sunk into the ground- toppled over the loops of bad luck that never seemed to leave him.

And when they pulled apart, the world shook. Perhaps it was his own beating heart. 

“I love you, did you know?” He breathed out, holding Youngjae’s face- even tear-stained, it was the most precious thing he’d ever held. 

“I know,” he smiled shakily. “I love you more.” 

And together, they fell. But not really- they spent the night sitting side by side, watching the stars twinkling down at them like nothing tragic ever happens. But what did the stars know?

~~~

“They have a pool now,” Youngjae spoke up, curled up against Jaebum’s side in his signature leather jacket. Jaebum was afraid he’d never be able to get rid of that green-apple scent- but secretly, he didn’t mind. 

Jaebum smiled. “Let’s go in.” 

And so they did. 

They circled the school, jumped the gate, took off their shirts and stood in front of the glistening water, hand in hand.

“Ready?” He asked Youngjae. And Youngjae nodded.

They landed with a big splash- the water was refreshing against his skin as they swam upwards, feeling like silk and fresh starts, washing away all the desert dust from his skin. 

And together, under a symphony of cricket sounds and starlight, they floated.

Perhaps they were fated after all.

~~~

FIN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end
> 
> well, technically not, because there's still an epilogue to go! just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone, again, for reading and actually liking this! we've come a looong way <3
> 
> ~~im tearing up a lil~~


	16. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posted this a minute before this story's anniversary passed, good one
> 
> fun facts, goodbyes, and info down below!
> 
> enjoy the epilogue~~

“Okay, but are you _sure_ you know how to use a key?” Jaebum asked, jangling his keychain a good distance from Youngjae, who sat on a nearby box with his hand outstretched. He considered tossing them somewhere behind the masses of boxes (why were there so many boxes?) to delay having to leave, but decided against it when he spotted Nora and Coco slink behind the boxes. God forbid they did something dumb, like eat them. Nora was too classy- he doubted she would bother, but that Coco was a bit of a ditz and Nora would undoubtedly follow his lead. Besides, he wouldn’t want to interrupt their box-maze adventures.

“Of course I do, I’m not an idiot!” Youngjae rolled his eyes and beckoned for the keys. Jaebum jerked them back. 

“Are you sure?”

Youngjae swiped at his foot with his leg, but after months of dating him, Jaebum was too familiar with his violent tendencies and was able to dodge easily. He’d admit it, though- he’d miss those violent tendencies so _much._

“Okay, okay,” he chuckled. “Fine.” He dropped the keys into Youngjae’s open palms, who pocketed them with a large grin- he’d miss that smile too. It wasn’t as if he was leaving forever, and it wasn’t like he’d never see Youngjae again- but fuck, he didn’t know if he could handle not seeing him 24 hours a day. In a way, graduation was the worst thing that could happen to him. 

“Don’t lose them, okay?” He slipped his fingers through Youngjae’s hair. “And don’t forget to open the windows during the summer, otherwise it’ll get too stuffy.” And after a moment’s consideration, he added, “You know where the grocery store is, right? It’s fifteen minutes away, beside the pet store. Don’t forget where the pet store is, either.”

Youngjae rolled his eyes and swatted his hand away. “I’ve lived here for almost a year, I know where everything is. Stop worrying!”

He pouts. “Don’t be inconsiderate. I miss you and I’m not even moved out yet. Fuck, give me a goodbye kiss,” Jaebum bent down, puckering his lips and waiting for Youngjae to meet them, but instead he was met with a soft slap to his chest. 

“No goodbye kiss,” Youngjae huffed. “I have a surprise for you, before you go.”

“What is it?”

Youngjae smiled cheekily. 

~~~

“Bummie!” Is the first thing Jaebum heard when he turned the corner. He couldn’t see anything through his blindfold, but he recognized the voice to be Jackson’s.

“What are you planning, Youngjae?” He turned his head to his boyfriend’s general location and gave him A Look ™ but the sunshiny asshole just laughed and dragged him further. He grumbled and tried hard not to trip over the grassy terrain. If anyone other than Youngjae tried to do this to him, he’d wrap his blindfold around their neck, but thankfully, 1) it _was_ Youngjae, and he loved him too much to cause him any harm (not like Youngjae shared the same sentiments, what a dick) and 2) his blindfold was tugged off almost immediately. 

After a split-second of blinking the sudden light away, there was Jackson- who waved at him excitedly- Mark, Yugyeom, a grumpy looking Jinyoung, and the red picnic table, on which an assortment of food could be found. Coco was jumping up and down in a desperate attempt to sink his teeth into the human food, narrowly knocking over a pile of paper plates and plastic utensils. No one seemed very concerned. Coco was just too small to cause any real damage. 

“Well?” Youngjae slipped Jaebum’s backpack off of his shoulders and set it down under a nearby tree. “What do you think? I planned all of this, so you better like it,” he poked him in the chest, but the threat wasn’t needed. He liked the picnic- it wasn’t much, but it had a peaceful, cozy air around it- it was sweet and Jaebum loved Youngjae so, so much. 

“Youngjae, you did nothing,” Jackson accused, flamboyantly shaking his finger at him. “You made me and Mark do all the work!”

“But it was _my_ idea,” Youngjae shot back. “Besides, my job was bringing Jaebum here. Look how well I did!”

Jaebum let out a laugh, bending down to kiss his cheek. “Thank you, babe. You did very well,” he cooed, ignoring Jackson’s strangled scream of outrage.

“Alright, alright, you can shut up now,” Mark interrupted, slipping one hand over Jackson’s mouth and using the other to wave everyone towards the table. He and Youngjae sat next to Jinyoung, who was sitting considerably far from Yugyeom, but otherwise looked okay- downright gleeful, even, with a lapful of squirming Coco. Jaebum gave him a reassuring nudge anyways. 

“Jackson and I have exciting news.” Mark uncovered Jackson’s mouth- they stood to reveal clasped hands and matching bracelets, which seemed to shine in the dying sunlight. A collective gasp rose across the table. 

“You’re gay,” Yugyeom said bluntly. 

“Yes, but-“ 

“Gay,” chimed in Jinyoung. 

“Ok, fair enough,” said Mark. 

“Welcome to the graduation picnic, though!” Jackson announced. “Of course, we debated on whether or not to not include Youngjae and Yugyeom, as they are freshmen-“ 

“My idea, guys-“ Youngjae scowled. 

Mark nudged Jackson. “You’re forgetting someone.”

“Oh, yes, Bambam should be here soon. But in the meantime- oh, hello!” Jackson waved to a confused-looking, puffy-cheeked boy who had just wandered in. Everyone looked happy to see him, but he couldn’t imagine why. The kid had a streak of purple in his hair. Quite obviously, he was an unmemorable freshman- and when he began to scream happily, he decided to add annoying to that list. 

“You’re not part of the room-mate squad but we love you,” Jinyoung called out fondly.

“Who is that?” Jaebum whispered, feeling just a little bit betrayed. Youngjae only laughed, smacking him in the shoulder. 

“You’re joking, right?”

Jaebum replied with an empty stare. Very empty, and lacking the knowledge everyone else seemed to have. He had no idea who this child was or why he was there. 

“The guy who stole your cat?” Youngjae prompted, raising an eyebrow. At this, panic seized Jaebum- flashbacks of Nora’s so called escape drove him to shoot upwards. He cleared his throat loudly, waving his arms around and interrupting Jackson’s hug with the newcomer. 

“No, no, this is not okay. I want him gone,” Jaebum glowered. “Nora is hiding in my backpack right at this moment and I will not risk any harm to come to my baby.”

“Calm down, babe, he took care of Nora when she ran away, remember?” Youngjae pulled him back into his seat, rubbing his shoulder.

“You’ll have to excuse Jaebum, he’s far too obsessed with his cat,” Jackson apologized.

“But do you blame him!” Jinyoung hollered excitedly. “She’s so cute! He’s not lying about Nora being here, look, her little cat head is sticking out of his bag!” 

He scooped up Coco in one arm and dashed towards Jaebum’s bag. At the sight of him, Nora ducked her head back inside, but it was too late- Jinyoung undid the zipper and scooped her up, too. Jaebum would scold him for bothering Nora, but his best friend looked far too happy about coddling a fluffy white dog in one arm and a grumpy cat in the other, like a mother who had just given birth to twins. 

“I love you, Nora. You are my baby now.” He hugged both creatures to his chest tightly. Jaebum thought he was pushing it a little. 

“Okay, I demand order! Order!” Jackson smacked a paper plate with a plastic fork. “The sun is setting and the food is getting cold, so for the ever-loving fuck will everyone just shut up?” 

And finally, everyone settled- Bambam stopped screaming (his biggest contribution to the group yet, aside from taking care of Nora- okay, he’ll admit, maybe he wasn’t planning anything sketchy. At this point, Jinyoung was more likely to catnap Nora than Bamboo was) and squeezed in next to Yugyeom. 

“Alright,” Jackson smiled, setting down the paper plate. “This has been a wild four years,” he shoots a look at Bambam, “for most of us, anyways. We’ve gone through heartbreaks, struggles, stress, changes- but we’re all okay and we all got through it.” He raised a plastic cup to the sky. “To the future, and the past that put us there!”

The speech was surprisingly touching. Everyone cheered and raised their cups of soda, and Jackson locked eyes with Jaebum, a happy sparkle in his eye- Jaebum tried his best to reciprocate, but he wasn’t sure if his eye gleams were interpreted as murderous or joyous, like he intended them to be. 

~~~

They dined as the sun set, washing over them with a tranquil light, and then with shadows, and finally, with the entirety of the universe twinkling down at them. Despite the dark, Jaebum felt there was enough light to fill an entire dorm. The air was full of laughter and chatter and the occasional bark, and everything was just a touch loud but also a touch peaceful, a touch chaotic. 

From across the table, Yugyeom giggled with Bambam. He couldn’t help but think that maybe they’d be an okay pair. Mark and Jackson held hands and fed each other fruits, like a sickeningly sugary cliché (he refused to admit he was a bit hypocritical, even when Youngjae fed him his unwanted cucumbers) and Jinyoung seemed to be the happiest of all of them, cooing at his newfound children. 

Of course, that wasn’t true- Jaebum was always the happiest when he was next to Youngjae. 

~~~

Sometime later that afternoon, a loud screech split the atmosphere in two. Bambam hopped up from his seat and yelled something that sounded like “a tiny white ghost attempted to murder my pants-“ and everyone roared with laughter. 

From the corner of his eye, Jinyoung stifled a smile as Coco rejoined Nora on his lap. 

~~~

And then came the dreaded tick of midnight. He wished that he could stay at the red picnic table longer, with the people that had changed his life forever (and the people he didn’t hate anymore), drowsy and slightly tipsy (someone brought booze, and Jaebum bet it was Jackson) but his belongings needed to be moved into his new apartment by morning.

“It’s time for me to go,” Jaebum told Youngjae. His boyfriend pouted and wrapped his arms around him as tightly as he could, his fluffy hair tickling Jaebum’s chin- but he didn’t mind. He hugged him just as tightly, savouring how he felt against him, like it was the last time they’d ever touch again- it wasn’t, not even close, but he needed as many of Youngjae’s hugs possible to survive.

So he said his goodbyes, took back Nora, and stood to leave-

“Wait!” Jinyoung yelled out. “Jaebum, you’re not allowed to leave until you promise me that I can have all of Nora and Coco’s children.”

“Okay, you can have all of Nora and Coco’s children,” he agreed. 

And then he took another step forward.

~~~

This time, Youngjae helped move _his_ boxes. 

~~~

It’s been approximately three days since he moved out of the dorms and into a nearby apartment complex, and he wished he could say everything was okay, but he couldn’t. Everything felt _wrong_. It wasn’t the apartment- the walls were a bit thin and the floors creaked, but it was bearable- it was the lack of Youngjae. They’ve been texting at every opportunity possible, but nothing felt the same. His phone couldn’t quite capture his boyfriend’s smile or his voice, just a pale shell of the sun, an artificial lightbulb- forests needed much more than lightbulbs to grow, and a misty day made the ocean murky again. 

He missed the way Youngjae would walk around in his pajamas every morning, the way he would rest his head on the curve of his shoulder and the way they would just stay there- how Youngjae’s loud singing filled the dorms whenever he showered, and how his green apple scent lingered afterward. He missed _Youngjae._ He felt dry without him- like a plant in desperate need of water and sun. 

He spent his nights wondering. Questions like – _Is he sleeping well? Did Coco miss Nora just as much as Nora missed Coco?_ \- kept him awake until the stars lulled him to sleep.  
Nora wasn’t alright either. She would slink around the apartment, half-heartedly exploring with her tail drooped lower than usual. Even after her daily cat massage sessions, she lacked the little happy sparkle in her eyes. 

And so, he spent the third night in a row sitting on top of a box with a sad bowl of ramen. Just ramen- he didn’t have the energy or culinary ability to make anything else, although he should learn before he starved to death. Youngjae wasn’t there to toss apples at his head anymore. 

And it was miserable. Youngjae was his good luck charm- he was like the ground beneath his feet, and without him, he felt unbalanced as if he were walking on cracks.  
With a sigh, he pushed away his ramen. 

“Nora,” he called,” and Nora shuffled into his lap- she didn’t leap gracefully like she usually did, she _shuffled_ \- ready for another languid, unproductive afternoon.  
The doorbell rang. 

Jaebum jumped- he wasn’t expecting any visitors. Slipping into a pair of tan slippers, he shooed away Nora and made his way to the door. The slippers slapped against the tiled floors, echoing his footsteps and further reminding Jaebum that Youngjae was gone- but when he opened the door, Youngjae was not gone. In fact, he stood at the door with a small suitcase and a dog in his arms, fluffy hair and big smile and all. 

Jaebum’s heart stopped.

“Room-mates?” Youngjae asked, and his voice washed over him like a wave- after days of empty noises, it was the most refreshing thing he’d ever heard. He’d only been there for a second, but already, Youngjae seeped into the place- his very presence seeped into every crack and crevice of the room, like water, lapping against the white walls and filling Jaebum’s lungs- but this time, he could breathe. This time, the ground didn’t shake- it settled. Jaebum wasted no time in enveloping him in a hug.

“You sneaky fuck, you’ve been planning this, haven’t you?” Suddenly the large amount of boxes in the dorm that morning made sense.

Youngjae only shrugged sheepishly. “I have a job now! I’ll help you with rent, I just couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone,” he pouted, as if he didn’t know Jaebum didn’t have the heart to kick him out. “Knowing you, you’d probably starve to death by now. Also, my new room-mate is Yugyeom and he keeps bringing Bambam over, and they are…so loud. Too loud, Jaebum. Let me live with you, I’m miserable!” He whined. 

And Jaebum would love it if he did- but he couldn’t be selfish. Youngjae needed to live near his classes, so he could sleep in as much as he could and focus on his studies- but then his eyes shifted to the pets. Coco and Nora were curled around one another on his make-shift box couch- Nora’s little cat eyes were sparkling, while Coco looked equally as happy, wagging his tail as if he were discovering it for the first time. 

His gaze flickered back to Youngjae and his hopeful eyes- so big and wide that they melted all his hesitation- an ocean of warmth and good luck, turquoise on sunshine. Fuck it, he thought. The apartment felt more like home with Youngjae in it. How could he ever let him go? This could be their own little house in the woods. 

“Welcome home, then,” Jaebum said, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. And Youngjae shone like a small sun- Jaebum kissed him again, and again, and kicked the door shut behind them. 

A wise friend once told him to give Youngjae a try. 

And he was so glad he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end!
> 
> usually i find it hard to write nice happy things but this chapter wasn't hard at all <3  
> and because this is the last chapter, have a few fun facts:
> 
> originally...  
> ~mark was the one secretly in love with youngjae  
> ~jaebum was going to go back to jackson/ or end up with neither and forget all the lessons he learned  
> ~the first note i wrote about this story was "drama story about weed ad drama" and here we are  
> ~jingyeom weren't supposed to break up  
> ~jackson was still supposed to be in love with jaebum (i removed those feelings because if he treated jb like that in the name of love he would truly be shitty to the core)  
> ~jb was going to be a smoker up until he met youngjae, who was going to help him quit  
> ~youngjae was jackson's cousin, and as jb lived alone, he was going to be dumped in his apartment  
> ~youngjae was also going to be an art student, and jb was supposed to start falling in love when he saw his very very personal works (about his past)  
> ~jaebum was not supposed to be this sappy (my love for youngjae spilled into this fanfic ooops)
> 
> ~yes jinyoung sent coco to chew on bambam's pants  
> ~yes jinyoung is okay now
> 
> alright goodbye forever  
> jk  
> this is not goodbye forever, because i'm not quite done yet! i'll be making a couple of drabbles/oneshots in the ill-fated universe (i have four planned out so far) and most will be from other people's perspectives :3
> 
> if you want to yell at me, my tumblr is @solstide (tempted to change my username here to this as well, just a heads up ^)
> 
> and lastly, i just wanted to thank everyone one last time for their support and encouragement <3 even if i took forever to finish, i still wouldn't have finished at all if it wasn't for all u keeping me going. i never dreamed i'd write something with 6k+ reads but he we are!! and im so so so glad and also did i mention i love u all?? 
> 
> see u in another fic, hopefully! its been a pleasure <3


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